My Mum Expects Me To Care For Her In Old Age. How Do I Tell Her I Can’t?

Honesty is the kindest policy

Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dr Sparacino said that, “Often, these expectations are unspoken. A parent might have spent years believing you’d ‘step in one day,’ even if that was never discussed.

“When you finally say you can’t, guilt and fear can flood in, but honesty is an act of love, too.” 

There is no point offering something you cannot emotionally or financially afford, she added. So, try to stay clear-sighted and precise about what you’re really able to offer – even if that doesn’t feel like much. 

“Maybe you can help plan for future care, find resources, or support them emotionally, but you can’t take on full-time or financial responsibility. That’s not neglect; that’s setting a boundary rooted in realism and care,” the psychiatrist said. 

She recommends saying something like, “Mum, I love you and want you to be well supported as you get older. But I can’t be your full-time caregiver. I’d like to help you make a plan so you’ll have what you need.”

Dr Sparacino added that your parent might respond with fear, anger, or sadness. 

“Try to respond with calm empathy: ‘I know this is hard to hear, but I want us to plan ahead so neither of us faces this alone,’” she stated.

“You’re not rejecting your parent; you’re protecting both of you from burnout, resentment, and crisis later on. Love without boundaries leads to depletion, not devotion.

“If you’re struggling with this kind of conversation, you don’t have to figure it out alone, reach out to a professional experienced in ageing and family dynamics for guidance and support.” 

Help and support:

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.