Parenting a toddler is basically a high-stakes negotiation with a tiny, emotionally unstable roommate who doesn’t understand logic. But when it comes to chaos? Lord have mercy. I’m shaking just thinking about it. One wrong move, and you’re in a full-blown crisis over the color of a cup or the fact that you dared to peel their banana “the wrong way.”
Here are 30 of the funniest, most wildly creative lies parents have told their small children:
1.
“Blippi died and they deleted all the episodes.”
2.
“Your ears turn red when you’re lying… now he covers his ears every time he lies.”
3.
“Told my son that if he ran away from me in public he turned into a kid mannequin and now at Target he publicly shames the kid mannequins for running away from their parents.”
4.
“I tell my son if he doesn’t put sunscreen on he will catch on fire.”
5.
“Elsa sleeps like a bat so she doesn’t need a bed to sleep in (she wanted a Barbie bed for her doll).”
6.
“he’s almost two and anytime it’s nap time when he’s not looking I turn his shows to a different language and tell him once he wakes up he will understand it.”
7.
“I tell my son that if he is good at school 5 days out of the week he can stay home from school for 2 days (sat and sun) so when we wake up Saturday i say wanna stay home from school today?”
8.
“I showed her her social security card and told her that was a 1 time phone number to call Jesus to ask if she lying. her story changed.”
9.
“When he wants to listen to the same song over and over I say that we have to give the singer a break because I can hear it in their voice the last time that they were getting tired of singing.”
10.
“I get an alarm sent to my phone for when Spiderman goes to bed so he too needs to go to bed.”
11.
“I used to tell my son that if he didn’t stop crying he was going to flood the house and we’d all wash away.”
12.
“Mickey Mouse Clubhouse turns my kid into a demon, so when he asks to watch it, we tell him Mickey and his friends are on vacation and aren’t home yet, so we will have to watch something else. Mickey has been on vacation for 3 months.”
13.
“Told my niece I live with if she didn’t stop screaming that I was gonna go outside and take the sun.”
14.
“You can only go into Chuck E. Cheese if it’s someone’s birthday otherwise it’s not allowed.”
15.
“You have to chew with your mouth closed or else the flavor will leak out.”
16.
“I tell my boys if they’re too loud at night, they’re gonna wake the ghost up.”
17.
“When I was over bath time, we had to let the water go to the next little boy or girl for THEIR bath time.”
18.
“The president blocked YouTube.”
19.
“My family told my little brother that sweetie pie was a bad word so he would use it when he got mad.”
20.
“‘The ice cream truck only plays music when they run out of ice cream.'”
21.
“Darth Vader takes a bath. Everyday. He also listens to his mommy.”
22.
“Walking through target and lil homie spots the toy section ‘oh those aren’t for sale today, buddy. It’s Thursday. They don’t sell toys on thursdays.'”
23.
“I set a timer when my daughter won’t behave and she thinks it’s the police calling.”
24.
“I just say everything is sleeping. The park? sleeping. ice cream? sleeping. toy that makes too much noise? sleeping.”
25.
“I sometimes have them look for ‘the missing cat’ in the store to distract them from throwing a fit. I say ‘I heard it meow’ and they instantly forget what they were upset about and start being quiet to try and hear it.”
26.
“No, McDonald’s isn’t open. The people are just practicing going through the drive thru for when they’re open next time.”
27.
“We call most foods a cookie so our daughter will eat them.”
28.
“Everything needs to be charged…I mean everything. Sorry we cant watch the tv right now its charging. Oops sorry we have to get out of the bath right now it needs to charge.”
29.
“I have told my kids that the Lorax will punish the people who kill the trees bc they do have full breakdowns if we drive near somewhere that’s clearing land.”
And last but not least…
30.
“My son asked to go to the park when I was really overstimulated on a bad day so I put my windshield wipers on and sprayed cleaner while I told him it was raining and the park was closed.”
Let’s be real — parenting is basically just improv comedy with snacks and sleep deprivation. And if it means telling your toddler the moon is taking a nap or that the Wi-Fi runs on clean floors, so be it.
Cheers to all the parents out there keeping the peace one creative white lie at a time!
