I Don’t Know If I Cheated On My Boyfriend And I’m Spiraling

Dear Stephen,

I’m getting married this summer, so in January, my friends organized a bachelorette trip., We rented a house, played games, did crafts, and went out to the bars. I have one friend we can call “K” who RSVPed yes and paid for her share of the house. Then a week before the trip, K messaged us and said we should postpone the trip because there was an economic boycott against ICE on the day we were supposed to go.

She said it would not be ethical to do the trip because of how much we’d be spending on it. I support the boycott, but first of all, the house wasn’t refundable at that point, and second of all, my friends had already booked flights, taken off work, and made childcare plans. We proceeded with the trip, but my friend did not go. She is now asking to be refunded for what she spent on the house. I know her heart is in the right place but I am feeling resentful. Am I wrong?

—Boycotted Bride

Dear Boycotted Bride,

Her heart may be in the right place, but her brain seems to have wandered off somewhere. The fact that the house wasn’t refundable — presumably the biggest expense of the trip — means that canceling would only benefit the rental company. They’d pocket your money and rent it to someone else for double the profit. The logistical considerations around flights, work, and childcare are also legitimate. It’s hard to get an adult group of friends together. And in this sad, perilous time, real-life human connections are vital.

I wish your friend had focused on ways to honor the boycott while going on the trip. Things like filling up your gas tank and doing the grocery haul the day before, going to locally-owned establishments instead of big chains, forgoing cheap Amazon decorations in favor of handmade ones, etc. I would argue that a dozen friends doing an imperfect boycott together have a much bigger impact than one person doing a perfect boycott alone.

And how bold that she’s asking for her money back now! Surely she knows she’d be taking that money out of the pockets of her friends, not a billion-dollar corporation. You are well within your rights to say no. But if she’s insistent and you’re looking for a compromise, here’s my pitch: Ask K if your group can donate her portion to an organization that supports immigrants. That might foster some goodwill among all of you.