After 30 Years, I’m Finally Revealing How A Grown Man Groomed Me When I Was Just 16

We initially hung out in a large group. He asked me about school, and he told me about the women he was dating. He was incredibly funny and impossibly handsome. Our time together led to private phone calls, during which he asked me more about my life. 

He was mysterious. He was exciting. And he paid me the kind of attention that I wasn’t used to receiving. 

One day, he asked me to cut school to meet him at his apartment. I got good grades, and no one would ever expect me to play hooky, so it was easy for me to sneak away without raising any suspicion. 

“You must, must, must not tell anyone,” I remember him telling me.

I was curious and scared and — I didn’t realize until much, much later — navigating severe emotional neglect in other areas of my life at the time. So, I met him at his apartment. That was where the grooming came to an end and the assault began. 

There are many reasons why minors cannot consent to sexual relations with adults. Children — including teenagers — cannot see around corners. They do not have the emotional or psychological capacity to fully assess risk, or to know that they’re being manipulated, exploited or abused. According to Harvard Law School, “Based on age and development, children – even adolescents – cannot fully appreciate the nature and consequences of serious decisions, which is why many areas of law (general medical care, contracts, military service) do not ordinarily allow children to consent … Adolescents differ in cognitive, emotional, and psychological development compared to adults.” 

My abuser took advantage of these differences in our development. He knew, as an adult, what he was asking of me, and his insistence that I keep it a secret  is proof that he understood the risks, legal and otherwise. I knew, as an adolescent, that I wanted to feel loved. He was my first full-fledged sexual experience, and he prided himself on being my “teacher.” At the time, he openly described me as “every man’s fantasy.”

I am now 45 years old. The memory of those words, and the ease with which he shared them, makes me nauseated.

I have kept this secret for nearly 30 years. It’s taken that long — and seeking trauma-informed therapy — to understand my experience (although, surely, there are aspects that may never be fully understood or resolved). My childhood oscillated between normal and dysfunctional, and I met my abuser a few years after my parents had separated. Their separation was preceded by years of marital strife, alcoholism and emotional warfare.  By the time this man appeared, I’d already seen and heard things that no child should see or hear. 

I firmly believe that the emotional void I experienced as a child primed me to be groomed. When my abuser targeted me, I was also experiencing my first broken heart. On top of a complicated home life and the typical chaos that is associated with adolescence, all of these circumstances made me ripe for the picking.

However, regardless of what was happening in my life or what I had been through, nothing made it OK for this man to proceed with any kind of relationship with me. Despite how mature I may have seemed, there is no excuse for what he did. Even though I looked old for my age, I was a minor, and children, no matter how they look or what they say or believe, cannot give consent. Period.

Megyn Kelly’s attempts to justify the sexual abuse and exploitation of minors by describing his victims as appearing of legal age “to a passerby” is unhinged. Does appearing older entitle a sexual predator to a minor’s body? What the fuck is she talking about? 

I am not sure I would have ever shared my story, but these recent events have made me realize it’s time. Sadly, I’m certain there are many other others who have kept the same secret. Our society tells us to feel ashamed, even though we aren’t the ones who did anything wrong.