You May Be In A ‘Tolyamorous’ Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It

There are many reasons people might find themselves in a tolyamorous dynamic — even if it’s not their preferred relationship structure.

For one, some cultures recognize that lifelong monogamy isn’t realistic and believe extramarital sex is likely to occur, “but it needs to be kept discreet in order for people to save face, and maintain the public appearance of monogamy,” Thouin said, citing stereotypes about the French as one example.

“Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: Women are expected to tolerate their husbands’ infidelity, while remaining monogamous,” she added.

Socioeconomic status also plays a major role in tolyamory. If a woman is financially or socially dependent on her male partner, “she will be more likely to ‘tolerate’ one-way infidelity, because the alternative — leaving and finding herself single — is worse,” Thouin said.

“However, in more socially progressive societies, women are quickly closing the ‘infidelity gap’ — which means that, ironically, everyone has a more equal chance at ending up in a tolyamorous dynamic.” 

Still, while non-monogamy has become more mainstream, it is still largely viewed as taboo in the U.S., a society that rewards monogamous coupledom and often stigmatizes singleness and non-monogamy.  

Yau said that some tolyamorous couples may be thinking to themselves: “I don’t want to create the impression that I’m promiscuous or that I’m going to spread STIs or that I’m destroying marriage and family or whatever, And so I’m going to pretend that we’re actually monogamous and keep up appearances. And if my partner sees other people, I, at least, can preserve my innocence by pretending that it’s not happening.”

The existence of tolyamory shows just how unwilling many people are to communicate openly in their relationships and how fearful they are of expressing their true desires to their partner, Yau said. 

And ending a relationship is often quite complicated — so it’s no wonder many couples practice tolyamory rather than parting ways. 

“People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security and emotional safety,” Thouin said. “And even when power dynamics are on the healthy, egalitarian side, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.”

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.