What Does It Mean If I Fantasise About My Ex?

“Sexual nostalgia,” or fantasising about a former lover, is pretty common, even during sex. 

But according to research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, it might be “distinct” from other sexual fantasies, like submissive acts or group sex. 

Instead, the authors found that the habit might say something about your attachment style and relationship satisfaction.

What did the researchers look at?

In this study, researchers wanted to know whether fantasising about your ex is different to other types of fantasies, as well as whether having these fantasies said anything about participants’ attachment styles. 

The attachment styles they looked at were secure, in which couples generally felt safe with and trusted one another; avoidant, in which people tend to fear vulnerable intimacy; and anxious, where people fear being alone. 

To test this, they found people who had left committed relationships and asked whether they were now single. 

They also asked them to fill in a survey about the kind of fantasies they had, as well as their relationship satisfaction. They were also asked questions that the researchers intended to reveal their attachment style. 

The fantasies were grouped into four sections: submissive sexual acts, group and/or anonymous sex, romantic sexual encounters, and sexual nostalgia. 

Then, they found 98 couples who lived together and got them to record both of those surveys as well as how it affected their relationship.

Sexual nostalgia seemed to be different from the other types of fantasy because while people reported having other kinds of fantasy regardless of their relationship status, satisfaction, or attachment style, sexual nostalgia seemed to depend on all three.