How to overcome the “loser sibling” identity.
The first step toward healing is to acknowledge that these dynamics are occurring.
“The individual needs to see that they are not a loser but rather have taken on a role in an unhealthy family system,” Moore said. It may take an outside party such as a friend or therapist to point out the unfair treatment of siblings.
“Remember it took decades to build those negative belief systems, so it will take time to change them,” Ruan said. She recommended reading self-help books, joining a support group, or working with a therapist who is familiar with these issues and can help you reframe negative beliefs. Once you recognize these unhealthy patterns, it’s important to seek out environments where you feel valued and avoid situations that mirror your childhood.
Take time to reflect on your strengths and what matters to you. Write down your definition of success, not what your family defined as success, Moore said. Ultimately, the goal is to “embark on a journey of living in alignment with the values you’ve outlined and your personalized definition of success,” she added.
Consider that some family members may resist or sabotage your efforts to heal. “They may not like that you are changing the status quo because it serves them in some way,” Ruan said. “The golden child may also face criticism and backlash from parents who once praised them.” So, until you feel confident in your new beliefs and habits, you may need to limit the time you spend with family.
Lastly, it’s common for people who think of themselves as “loser siblings” to spend a significant portion of their lives trying to gain their family’s love and acceptance. “Whether your skills and talents were valued by your family or not, as an adult, you have agency to decide that you value them and that the label of being a ‘loser sibling’ is not one you need to accept,” Le Goy said.
This article originally appeared in HuffPost.
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