Therapists and counselors see a lot behind the scenes — the quiet patterns, the unspoken power struggles, the “small” behaviors that slowly erode connection over time. So we asked mental health professionals of the BuzzFeed Community to share the subtle, easy-to-miss relationship behaviors they see in their clients that are actually major red flags. Here’s what they had to say:
1.
“I work primarily with teens, and something very popular in middle and high school (heterosexual) relationships is having absolutely zero contact with anyone of the opposite sex outside of your partner — for example, not even saying hi or being friendly. It’s super normalized within this age group right now, so clients don’t always see it as problematic. But no matter who you’re dating, you should absolutely feel comfortable enough — and trust each other enough — to talk to whoever you want outside of your relationship. That’s how trust is built.”
2.
“When one or both sides constantly threaten to leave or end things in an argument. This always escalates a disagreement to a place it doesn’t need to go.”
—Anonymous, 40, VA
3.
“Men are taught their desires hold moral weight. Women are socialized the opposite. This creates a dynamic in which cis-hetero men may spend decades moving through relationships without real self-examination, while women internalize blame for the imbalances that result.”
—Anonymous, 44, PA
4.
“When people say sorry but never bother to correct the behavior. The apology becomes just a Band-Aid to get out of the situation, but it means nothing if you’re not actually changing what caused the harm.”
—Anonymous, 47, AZ
5.
“Being blamed for someone’s lack of control over their anger or screaming, like: ‘I never yell, but you’re making me get this loud.'”
—Anonymous
6.
“Something I see a lot is the ‘I love the drama’ narrative. Instead of communicating or setting boundaries around obvious negativity, one partner will deliberately stir things up or act emotionally cold to manipulate the other’s response. For example: ‘He didn’t invite me out on Friday with his friends, so now I’m going out with my friends, and I’m tagging him on Instagram by accident in the group photo so he sees what he’s missing.’ Another one is testing: ‘I’ll say I was texting this other guy to see what he says, and then I’ll know his limits.’ A lot of this comes down to insecurity, a poor sense of self, or a need for control. Personally, behavior like that is not something I’d give the time of day to — but it’s really normalized, and many people expect it in some form. Such a waste of energy.”
7.
“A default confirmation bias that always seeks to affirm rejection, unworthiness, or abandonment fears — often rooted in unresolved trauma, past relationships, or childhood experiences.”
—Anonymous, 39, FL
8.
“Just wanting to ‘move on’ from conflicts without talking about them. Sweeping things under the rug might seem like a way to avoid fighting, but really, it’s just a way for resentment to build. Have the uncomfortable conversations, they’ll help your relationship more in the long run!”
—Anonymous, 36, MD
9.
“One pattern I flag early on is when clients speak about all of their exes as ‘crazy.’ If someone describes every past partner as unstable or dramatic, but never reflects on their own role in those dynamics, it’s usually a sign of emotional immaturity or deflection. I tell my clients: If the common denominator in all your bad relationships is you, that’s worth exploring.”
—Anonymous, 34, IL
10.
“Weaponized incompetence is extremely common, especially in heterosexual couples. It tends to show up as one partner pretending they just ‘don’t know how’ to do basic adult tasks — laundry, scheduling, planning meals — which conveniently leaves the other person managing the household. It’s not about capability. It’s about accountability. And it burns people out fast.”
11.
“I work primarily with couples, and one subtle dynamic that comes up a lot is unilateral decision-making. One partner always picks the restaurant, sets the schedule, controls the budget — and if the other speaks up, they’re dismissed as irrational or difficult. It doesn’t look like control on the surface, but over time, it chips away at autonomy and mutual respect.”
—Anonymous, 45, WA
12.
“If someone brings up your vulnerable moments only when they’re angry — that’s emotional weaponry. I see this dynamic a lot in high-conflict couples. One partner opens up, and the other stores that info like ammo for the next fight. It may seem small, but it erodes psychological safety. Eventually, the injured partner just stops sharing.”
—Anonymous, 38, GA
13.
“Constant ‘jokes’ at a partner’s expense, especially in public, are not harmless. Clients will say, ‘That’s just how we joke,’ but when I watch it happen in real time, it’s often layered with resentment, power imbalance, or low-grade contempt. Humor that comes at the cost of your partner’s dignity can’t coexist with real intimacy.”
—Anonymous, 53, NJ
14.
“A sneaky tactic I’ve noticed is initiating serious conversations only when the other person is emotionally depleted. Late-night confrontations, bringing up triggering topics during stressful moments — it’s a form of manipulative timing. They wait until the other person is too tired to push back. Healthy conversations happen when both people are regulated and able to engage meaningfully.”
15.
“A red flag I teach clients to watch for is when someone uses personality traits as an excuse for poor behavior. ‘That’s just how I am’ or ‘I’m just blunt’ becomes a free pass to avoid growth. Relationships require flexibility and mutual effort. If someone refuses to adapt at all, they’re choosing comfort over connection.”
—Anonymous, 38, CA
16.
“There’s a pattern I see in couples where emotional intimacy only happens after a blow-up. Outside of conflict, there’s emotional distance. But post-argument, the partner suddenly becomes engaged, affectionate, apologetic. It creates a feedback loop where volatility becomes the price of connection. I call it the ‘conflict-closeness trap,’ and it’s exhausting for both people.”
—Anonymous, 41, IL
17.
“Using ‘honesty’ as a weapon instead of a value. There’s a difference between being honest and being harsh. If your partner regularly says things that cut deep — and defends it with, ‘I’m just being real’ — that’s not transparency, that’s cruelty wrapped in justification. Healthy honesty comes with care and accountability. Not a sharp edge.”
18.
“When your needs are always treated like ‘too much,’ but their needs are basic, valid, and urgent. If every time you say, ‘I need more communication’ or ‘can we spend more time together,’ they act like you’re being needy, dramatic, or unreasonable — that’s a red flag. Especially if they expect you to meet their needs without question. Minimizing your emotional needs is a subtle but powerful way to create imbalance.”
—Anonymous, 39, NC
Relationships are complicated, and even the most subtle dynamics can carry a lot of weight. If you’re a therapist, counselor, or mental health professional and want to add to this list, drop your insights in the comments. And if you’ve experienced one of these patterns in your own relationship, we’d love to hear how you recognized it, or what helped shift it.
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