“Child and family counselor here specifically for children with additional needs, but I refer the couple to another counselor for marriage counseling; I focus specifically on their relationship with their children and as a family. Usually, by the time I see them, the family is already divorced. If they make it to me as a couple, the chances are they are resourceful and committed to each other already and just need a little tweaking. For my population, the common theme for divorce is the inability to adapt to change brought on by someone else. We all know that having a child drastically changes our lives, but for most people, they only have a vague idea of what that is exactly.”
“1) If there are any unresolved childhood issues or trauma, they will come back with a vengeance. Parenting is the litmus test for ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and mental health.
2) Children act as a stress test for any relationship. When childless, couples usually have some sort of homeostasis they’ve worked out, where chores are divided fairly and whatever personal or relationship issues are either ignored or don’t seem like a big enough deal. So, what if all those ignored little problems became big, time-sensitive problems all at the same time? Let’s add old baggage from #1. They also need to adapt to a more dynamic way of tackling the family’s ever-changing needs as a team RIGHT NOW.
3) The previous methods of relaxation or emotional regulation (drinking or playing video games for a few hours after coming home every night) are no longer appropriate or sustainable.
4) Let’s add a child with high-support needs, then kaboom!!!
I also see lots of parents who struggle with all these issues together and hold on tight to each other. They are the real superheroes.”
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