Joseph’s article (which you can read here) explores the phenomenon of women in heterosexual relationships hiding their boyfriends, the growing desirability of singlehood for women, and heterofatalism. The general consensus is that having a boyfriend “feels republican,” and is more trouble than it’s worth, because of the inevitability that men will do what they do best — be embarrassing.
Following the story’s late October publication, the British writer has gained over 30,000 new TikTok followers and told BuzzFeed she can’t even refresh her notifications without 99+ new ones immediately rolling in.
“I’ve had brief touches with virality before, but this was unlike anything I have ever experienced before,” Joseph told BuzzFeed.
This isn’t the first instance of women online toying around with the idea of cutting off men completely. A year ago, the 4B movement was trending. It refers to a South Korean feminist movement in which women abstain from dating, sex, marriage, and having kids with men. After Donald Trump was elected for the second time, there were hordes of American women online, claiming they were ready to swear off men after seeing how many voted for him.
For Joseph especially, thinking about singlehood is nothing new, as the writer says she’s been single for about five years.
In her experience, to be single is to be interrogated about your life choices. “We seem like an aberration,” she told BuzzFeed. “It’s weird. People treat us with this suspicion.”
This double standard is what Joseph seeks to explore in her writing — why don’t we interrogate relationships the same way we interrogate single women?
However, her original idea for this story was not so much about singledom as it was about soft-launching and why people keep their relationships on the DL. It’s something she’s been thinking about a lot while doing research for a book she’s writing about dating.
The original headline she pitched to Vogue was “No Face, No Case: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”
“I wanted to know, why do you do this thing where you put the emoji over the face, or it’s like two glasses out at dinner. It’s this weird way of posting that you want us to know you’re in a relationship, but you don’t want us to know who the guy is.”
She posed this inquiry to her (at the time) 65,000 followers on Instagram. On its face, the answer was simple: privacy. But that response only scratched the surface for Joseph.
“I was like [you post] your mom, your aunt, your uncle, your dad, your cousin, your cousin’s best friend, your cousin’s aunt’s uncle’s boy, everyone in the whole universe, but it’s only your romantic partner that requires this special kind of privacy that means you can’t post them. There’s got to be more to this,” she told BuzzFeed.
Turns out, there was. At the core of this need for privacy and anonymity was a fear of being embarrassed. They didn’t want to publicize these romantic relationships, break up, delete all of the posts, and then have to answer for what happened with their relationships. Not posting their boyfriends was an insurance policy — a way to mitigate the harm when these men inevitably disappointed and embarrassed them.
“I was like ‘OK, tea,’” she said. From there, her story began to take shape and form into the final product that captivated the internet.
Some people agree with her — boyfriends are embarrassing. One tweet reads: “Being male focused has always been embarrassing.”
Others are offering creative solutions. This poster wrote: “Yes, but only if you have one. If you have at least 5+ you’re gucci.”
People are also acknowledging the amount of discourse Joseph’s piece has inspired. In the comments of many of her TikToks and other videos about the piece, the phrase “journalism is back” can be found. This person tweeted: “Love when articles cause this much commotion online. Congrats to Chante Joseph for getting people to read again.”
Joseph says she’s received a lot of emails, too. Young women are thanking her for writing this piece, sending her playlists, and some are even framing the article.
Her inbox is apparently also teeming with messages from men calling her a witch and people saying her article is cynical and anti-woman, which she says was not the point of the piece.
“This is not about pitting women against each other,” Joseph told BuzzFeed. “This is about the horrible behavior of men and how women are implicated in it because we decide to date them.”
But, commenting, tweeting, and DMing Joseph isn’t all that readers are doing. They’re also creating their own videos to discuss the piece.
One user, @ShreyaChowdharyy, posted a TikTok that reads: “Two of my friends just called me and said they are breaking up with their boyfriends (that I DESPISE). Shout out to the girl that wrote that British Vogue article.”
Another creator, Tonna Obaze, called the article “a sociological and anthropological study that deserves to be in the hall of fame.”
Men seem to be talking about it, too. On TikTok, @walking.with.mr.darcy called this piece a “wake-up call.”
@BaddGalFifi even made a flow chart inspired by the article, to help girls decide if their boyfriend is embarrassing. Which is probably a much-needed resource, based on the large number of DMs Joseph receives from girlfriends telling her that, yes, all men are trash, but their men are not.
“My heart was so happy when I saw all of these single women, just happy and excited to be them. For once, it felt like they could celebrate,” Joseph told BuzzFeed. “It was like, ‘OK, damn. Maybe being single doesn’t have to be a sorry state of affairs. I’m actually doing good. I’m OK. I’m on track.’ It did warm my heart because I know how awful the world is to single women.”
Regardless of people’s opinions about the piece itself, it’s undeniable that Joseph’s 1,008-word story has inspired a great deal of discourse. She hopes it also encourages women to reclaim their autonomy when it comes to engaging in relationships with men.
“We don’t really interrogate heterosexuality with much vigor. We don’t think about why we make these choices. We just believe we’re resigned to it as straight women,” Joseph told BuzzFeed. “We just think, ‘Oh, I’m a straight woman, which means this is just it, and I have to put up with it. Men are like this, and women are like this, and there’s no way around it.’ We don’t hope for more. We don’t expect more.”
As she continues to work on her book, Joseph says she wants to continue to write articles about dating and singlehood. She’s currently working on another piece for British Vogue about the aftermath of her viral story.
“I’m glad a movement has taken place. I’m glad people are pumped up,” she told BuzzFeed. “I think hopefully this means we can have a conversation about singleness beyond the sort of Bridget Jones trope. I want to get deeper into it, and I hope this feels like the beginning of something different.”
What do you think? Is having a boyfriend embarrassing? Let us know in the comments!
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