Everyone has a list of things they say don’t matter in relationships, but they actually do in the long-term.
User Illustrious-Fun2980 on Reddit asked, “What’s something people pretend doesn’t matter in relationships, but absolutely does?”
From agreeing on the “little things” to outright physical appearance, here are what people say actually matters, whether or not you accept it:
1.
“Being able to sit in total silence together w/o it being awkward. If you always have to be doing something or entertaining each other to feel okay, you’re going to struggle when the boring parts of life inevitably happen.”
2.
“How your partner treats the little things. We’ve all noticed those things about others, maybe your partner is specific about how the towels are folded, about which drawer the cutlery is in, or even what color of pillows are in the house. And maybe you only eat bananas that are a specific shade of yellow, or you only use round bar soap, and you insist that your underwear cannot be in the same drawer as your socks. And many people will act like these things don’t matter, because to them they probably don’t. But those things do matter, they matter a lot. It’s a vital skill in any type of relationship to be like ‘Even though I personally think that this is dumb and not important, I will still do it because it’s important to you.'”
3.
“Convenience. I’ve lost contact with a lot of people when it wasn’t convenient to see each other anymore.”
4.
“Touch. Never stop touching each other on a daily basis, even if it’s as small as a touch on the arm as you’re walking past. Once that part of physical intimacy goes, it’s hard to get back and it can take a lot of other intimacy (feeling connected mentally, s*x) with it.”
5.
“People say communication, but it’s really how someone handles minor inconveniences. Like if Starbucks messes up their order and suddenly you’re in the passenger seat of an emotional Fast & Furious movie, that relationship is running on borrowed time.”
6.
“COMMUNICATION! Please talk to your partner about what you’re going through, that’s why it’s called a PARTNERSHIP.”
7.
“S*x and physical attraction. We all want to pretend we’re too evolved to care about looks, but that’s bullsh*t.”
8.
“Keeping score. It isn’t a big deal who’s ahead, but if the difference is too big, sh*t ain’t workin.”
10.
“General respect. Say please and thank you. Take nothing for granted.”
11.
“Self-confidence and self-love/independence. If you don’t have your insecurities at least somewhat under control, you’ll likely project it onto your partner. And the way you talk to yourself/treat yourself will be the way you talk to/treat others close to you/who you spend lots of time with.”
12.
“Having a similar interest in socializing with others together. Ex would visit family often, friends, work friends, so forth all the time and I’m an introvert. Visiting her family was fine, but she got upset even at the idea of going to anything else alone.”
15.
“Not having the same level of income or education.”
16.
Knowing how to properly argue. Arguments and disagreements are inevitable in a relationship, but if you address it by attacking the person and refusing to listen, it only causes misunderstandings and more anger. Learn to consider other perspectives when having an argument, let your emotions guide you but not control you.”
17.
“Different views on religion or politics.”
18.
“Presence. It’s not sharing a space, but to be present with your partner.”
19.
“Thoughtful gifts from the heart. Something to show you care and we’re thinking about them. My favorite gift from my husband was a handwritten note he left on my car. I have kept and cherished it for about 13 years.”
21.
“Doing something nice without asking.”
22.
“Money and what they spend it on. People think ‘it’s their money, so its none of my business.’ Nooooo, if you plan to share a life with this person, where they spend their income shows you what they value, priorities, and overall habits.”
25.
“Trust is huge in relationships—small lies and broken promises can hurt you more than you think.”
26.
“Kissing. I agree with a lot of the comments here about physical attraction, intimacy, touching etc. A passionate deep good kiss can really get things moving. I’ve had several partners who were passionate people, but very light kissers. I haven’t had a good kiss in over 30 years.”
27.
“Individuality. You’re both your own people outside of just the relationship and if you forget that, you might not be as happy as you could be.”
28.
“Friends of your significant other. I feel like a bad friend can really ruin the relationship and vice versa.”
30.
“Height. I’m a short guy. Women I’ve dated in the past have mentioned it has been a core reason we aren’t together anymore.”
31.
“Having compatible love languages, having the same s*xual appetite, compatible communication styles, being aligned on ultimate relationship goals. Just general compatibility. When you find it, you truly will know. People try to force it for love, and love alone is just not enough.”
32.
“Being listened to without having to beg.”
33.
“Trauma. Anyone can say they’ll be there for you if something happens. The people who will actually follow through on that are few and far between.”
34.
And finally, “Chores. They gotta get done and you have to figure out who can do what. If one person is doing like 80% of the chores then that can easily snowball into resentment.”
Do you agree with these? Are there any other examples you would add? Let us know in the comments or via the anonymous form below!