We’ve all been there: the airport. A lawless place (other than the copious security, that is) where it seems like anything goes. In fact, I’d wager just about everyone has a memory of seeing something absolutely unhinged taking place there. Recently, someone posed the question over on Reddit, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve witnessed at an airport?” and these 31 responses had my jaw on the floor:
1.
“I saw a guy eating his sandwich along with the wrapping paper. When I asked him why he ate it, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, ‘I paid for it.’ To this day, I don’t understand his thought process. Just for context, the sandwich was packed in a thick brown paper wrapping, and he ate the whole thing; even when there was no sandwich left, he just bit off pieces of the paper wrapping.”
2.
“The X-ray thing buzzed on me, and during the patdown the agent literally knocked on my dong bulge like he was knocking on a door.”
3.
“A bag fire/explosion at the main TSA checkpoint at the Denver airport. Flames shot like 25 feet out of the X-ray machine, and everyone started scrambling for the exits in a full-on evacuation. Bags and luggage were just left scattered behind at the checkpoint. It was difficult at first to tell if it was someone playing a prank and bringing a lit firework, or if it was a legit IED [Improvised Explosive Device] detonation attempt.”
4.
“A woman going through the security screening scanner topless. There was a language barrier, and the TSA agent insisted threateningly that she had to remove her jacket, not understanding that she didn’t have anything on underneath it.”
5.
“Back in the late ’90s, so pre-9/11, I was going through security at LaGuardia Airport in New York. There was a family ahead of me sending their bags through when the X-ray machine and everything stopped. They pulled a bag and opened it up and pulled out a big ass butcher knife.”
6.
“Probably the wildest thing I’ve seen was a guy literally falling asleep standing up in the line and slowly tipping over onto people. Everyone freaked out for a second, then burst out laughing. Airports are just pure chaos sometimes.”
7.
“During the late ’90s at the Dallas Fort-Worth International Airport satellite terminal, Delta Connection flights boarded with no jetways — airstairs only. I saw a woman come out of the terminal, and instead of walking to our plane and climbing aboard, she headed for the first airplane she saw with a Delta logo…which was a 767 parked at the main terminal behind us, across a pretty active taxiway. About twenty of the passengers behind her followed her like baby ducks.”
8.
“Standing in a boarding line bound for Thailand from Perth, Australia, I heard a sneeze further back in the line. About one second later, a full set of teeth went flying by with a guy chasing after them. I guess he sneezed out his set of false teeth and didn’t want to lose them.”
9.
“Saw a guy walk away from security, and he left one shoe. I’m like, how do you not realize you’re missing a shoe?”
10.
“I was at a layover in L.A., and I saw a guy meeting his wife/girlfriend that must have missed each other a whole lot, wherever she’d been. When they ran into each other’s arms, he ran his hand down the front of her pants, and hers into his. I was like, ‘Well, alrighty then.'”
11.
“September 2020, on a Los Angeles to Austin flight that is mostly empty. An older gentleman across from me takes off his mask and pulls out a potato. No beverage, no condiments, no napkins. Just slowly houses a large baked Idaho staring straight ahead. Puts his mask back up and stares for the remaining two hours. No book, no device, not a word to anyone.”
12.
“I saw a woman completely miss her flight while sitting at her gate. She was reading and realized just as they closed the boarding door that all zones had boarded. She wasn’t even wearing headphones. Just totally unaware of her surroundings, deep in her book. The gate agent refused to reopen the door, and she watched through the window as her plane left without her.”
13.
“A dude rolling on the up escalator. Not on purpose — he stumbled, dropped all his shit on the escalator, and proceeded to roll, in a kind of sideways crouched position, down the up escalator. But, because it was going up, he was staying in place. We arrived at the bottom, saved his stuff, and stopped him and the escalator. It could have been bad, and I’m sure he felt it after the alcohol wore off.”
14.
“Saw two penguins walking through the security X-ray at the San Jose airport. No leashes, just waddling through like they knew the process.”
15.
“6:30 a.m. at JFK Airport in New York, a dude pulled up to the only place open in the area and, without even a glance at a menu, just said, ‘Give me the lobster ravioli.’ They said, ‘Sir, that’s not on our menu.’ Then he said, ‘Fine, just a Sex on the Beach.’ Which they informed him was also not on the menu. Then he said, ‘Fine, a red wine.’ I was DMing this girl who was also in an airport at the time, so I sent this story. Anyway, that’s my wife now. Thanks, lobster ravioli.”
16.
“I used to carry around a spent AK-47 round in my wallet. Long story short, when deployed with the Army, it had hit my bed while I wasn’t there. I carried it as a trophy and a reminder of good luck. Anyway, I took it with me through security, and TSA freaked out. It was obviously spent with no case or powder and a deformed bullet from impact, but TSA agents reacted like it was a live round and swarmed me and held me until the police got there. The police, fortunately, laughed at them and let me keep it, but suggested I not take it through TSA security in the future. So it sits on my desk now.”
17.
“We were going through security, and a bunch of people just in front of us were told they weren’t allowed to take their bottles of spirits through (I don’t know why it was a surprise; that’s fairly standard). They then just drank about three bottles of spirits there and then, as they didn’t want to throw them away.”
18.
“We were going through security at an airport in Chongqing, China, and accidentally had kept some aerosol cans of bug spray in our backpacks. The security officer took one out and started motioning to us, indicating that we were not allowed to bring the cans through. No big deal, we were fine with them being thrown away. But to emphasize her point, the officer grabbed a lighter from a pile of confiscated items and did an aerosol flamethrower demo in front of us, right there in the security line! Two or three feet of flames, it was wild. And then we were told to head on to the metal detectors as if nothing had happened.”
19.
“Walked into the men’s room at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, and a guy was buck naked, in the middle of changing clothes, right there in the common area near the sinks.”
20.
“I passed by a gate where passengers were waiting, and a man opened up his violin case and started fiddling what sounded like an Irish reel of some sort. I stopped to listen. He was very good and drew enough attention that no one noticed two of his fellow musicians sitting nearby break out their own instruments and jump in. The musicianship was so good that we all assumed they were on their way to perform somewhere. Quite a crowd had gathered, and I kinda choked up a little over this unexpected encounter with art and beauty.”
21.
“Someone losing his shit trying to smash the handle off of his suitcase because it was stopping it from fitting in the little box they use to check if it will fit in the overhead compartment. The dude was screaming at everyone, frantically failing to break the handle.”
22.
“Back in the day, when my older cousin got her license, we went to the airport to people watch (we were bored teenagers). We watched a man kiss his wife goodbye and head toward his gate, and she was sobbing uncontrollably. She left in that state, and we watched her go down the escalator just BAWLING. Then, the guy turned around. We thought he was going to run after her, but instead, another lady came out of a restaurant, and they hugged and kissed and went down another escalator together. Scandalous!”
23.
“In Phoenix Sky Harbor, more than a few years ago, I watched (and heard) a guy clip his toenails. You just can’t forget something like that.”
24.
“Some kid’s bag of the family that was in front of me at TSA got pulled, and they found throwing knives in it. The dad looked so pissed, and the kid was playing dumb and saying he ‘didn’t know they were in there’ and he ‘didn’t know how they got there.’ Dad just told the agent to throw them out and was scolding the kid.”
25.
“Going through TSA at the Los Angeles airport. They used the millimeter wave scanner, where you put your feet on the shoe prints on the floor and raise your hands slightly above your head. There is an older lady in front of me, and it is her turn to enter the scanner. The agents tell her how to stand. She puts her feet on the shoe prints, leans forward, and places her hands well above her head and on the wall. An agent yells at her, asking what she thinks she is doing. She yells back, ‘I thought you were telling me to assume the position!’ The TSA agents all started laughing. It’s a good thing I got to the airport early. That line didn’t move for a while as the agents tried to explain to her how they wanted her to stand.”
26.
“It was an overbooked flight, and two guys started arguing over which one would have the privilege of getting bumped because they both wanted a free flight voucher.”
27.
“This was 2018-ish. A mid-major west coast airport, and a woman was holding up the line, arguing with a TSA agent about why she couldn’t bring a gallon zip-lock bag half full of white protein powder in her carry-on. She ate some of it raw to make a point. It was hilarious. I was also shocked by how much TSA didn’t give a fuck. They did a quick test and were telling her to check the bag and were still going to allow her and it on the plane.”
28.
“The actual craziest incident I saw was at JFK: a guy somehow managed to get through security with a massive frozen turkey in his carry-on bag. When TSA finally noticed the density on the X-ray, they pulled him aside, and he started yelling about how it was a necessity for a family reunion and demanded to speak to a turkey lawyer. It was just absurd.”
29.
“I once had a short layover in Chicago. While waiting at the gate, this lady was sitting there calmly puking into a clear gallon-sized zip-lock bag. Didn’t even try to hide it. The bathroom was RIGHT OVER THERE.”
30.
“Late at night after a series of flights halfway around the world, sitting at the gate, this obviously drunk guy walks in and sits down with his back against the window. He pops in some chew and boots up his laptop, realizing he has nothing to spit into, he spits on the floor. People look, but nobody says anything; we’re all tired. The booted-up laptop starts showing porn visible to anyone with the right angle on the glass. Security comes and takes him away.”
31.
And finally, “Airport security, baggage handlers, and airport rescue/fire trucks chasing down an escaped Dachschund through the grass on the airfield.”
Now I’ve gotta know: do you have a wild airport story? If so, please, please share it in the comments. And if you’d like to remain anonymous, you can use the form below.
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