People Are Calling Out Things Parents Say That Sound “Helpful” — But Are Actually Super Toxic

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“My childhood was generally very happy and in no way abusive, but one phrase I heard quite often, which upset me, was, ‘If only you put as much effort into your school work as you did to [hobbies], you’d get straight A’s!’ It was meant well, I know. My family knew I was intelligent and wanted me to do well. But they were two completely separate entities. School work was a chore — something that had to be done but generally wasn’t enjoyable; often it was hard, dull, and/or stressful. My hobbies were things that brought me happiness, respite, excitement, and joy. You can’t compare the two.”

“Of course, I enjoyed my hobbies more, and was more enthusiastic about them than quadratic equations. I’m also AUDHD, so I have always found it especially hard to commit to or concentrate on things that don’t interest me. When, after I’d completed something hobby related, like a jigsaw or a drawing, or beat my record on a game, an adult saying, ‘Mm, lovely, but I wish you put that much effort into your homework,’ it took away some of that joy and made me feel like it was somehow irresponsible to put aside time for the things I wanted to do, rather than had to do. Now, as a freelancer who sets my own hours, I have to constantly remind myself that it’s OK not to work all the time and not to feel guilty about taking the occasional day off for no other reason than to do something fun.“

—Anonymous, 42, UK