My Girlfriend And I Went To A Sex Party. In The Middle Of An Orgy, I Realized I’m Not Straight.

Unsure of what to reply ― or what I was even really into when it came to hooking up with a man ― I wrote, “Whatever you are!” He immediately sent me his GPS location. Ella and I looked at each other. We’d discussed boundaries, expectations and the importance of safe sex when anonymously hooking up with people outside our duo. Was this the moment we’d been preparing for?

I had the roller coaster jitters again, but Ella, my cheerleader, reminded me, “Try anything once.” I chugged a beer for courage, kissed my supportive girlfriend goodbye, and walked towards my first hook-up with a guy.

I expected a flirty first date, but instead the guy I’d messaged with silently intercepted me outside his house. He was handsome with a firm jaw. I tried kissing him, but he seemed disinterested. I offered a true cliché: “I’ve never done anything like this before.” 

I thought we’d go up to his room, have some wine and banter about our lives, but, instead, without saying a word, he dragged me to his parked car and awkwardly shoved me into the back seat. 

I wanted to seem sexy and experienced, so I just went with the flow, even though I had no idea why we were in his car. Maybe he had roommates at home? Maybe he got off on semi-public sex? I guess this is cruising? I thought. He unzipped my pants, squirmed onto my lap, and jostled himself around. He unwrapped a condom, placed it on me and then suddenly, I was inside of him. Before I even really realized what was happening, I was doing it! 

After a few minutes of uncomfortable and uninspired movement he came and went, leaving me in his steamy car to clean myself up. He hadn’t even bothered to get me off. I felt used. 

As I sat in the afterglow of the unsatisfying experience, I wondered what I was now. The sex wasn’t even good, let alone intimate. But I was attracted to him. Was I gay? Was I bisexual? Was I just confused?

When I told Ella what happened, she thought it was so sexy and courageous that it made me excited to try again. She laughed when I told her I didn’t even finish. “Now you know how girls feel when guys use them,” she told me. Touché! We decided to collect more data and search for guys I had more of a connection with. Together we surfed the apps, swiping and researching new dating lingo. 

I had several more ― and much better ― hookups before I ultimately understood that I really like men and women. Men were scratchy, smelly and I didn’t love their firm bodies. Women were nice to touch, smell, and kiss everywhere. But there was one thing many women didn’t have: one firm part that I really did like. When it went from soft to stiff, my bi-curiosity became bi-certainty.