“If I can’t give you what you’d want and convert, I don’t want to break up,” I said, my hands flying in an exaggerated motion that any Jewish or Greek person would recognize. “But should we be dating?”
He agreed ― we shouldn’t be.
And that was that.
I’d never ended a relationship over religion. Disagreements about having children? Absolutely. Political beliefs? Yes. The guy being a jerk? Oh, sure. But if you’d asked me whether I’d break up with a man I was falling in love with over religion ― Greek Orthodox or any other ― I wouldn’t have even considered it a possibility.
There are always going to be things in life that you don’t expect. When I was dating, I thought the best way to guard against potential deal breakers was to be upfront and include them in my profile. That way, there’d be no guessing or mistaking what I want. Any guy that viewed my profile could see that I was politically left, sitting on the fence about having kids (though leaning toward not having any) and culturally Jewish. But that isn’t enough.
These are some details that call for in-depth discussions. If you’re on the apps and only looking for a hookup, then sure, these might not be important to you. But if you’re looking for a long-term, serious commitment, then for many people, talking about religion may be important before things get serious. If religion is a significant part of your life, that means it’ll be an important part of your future. And if you see a future with your partner, it’ll play into their life as well.
Defining “significant” is also important. A person doesn’t need to attend services daily to find religion meaningful or a priority when choosing a partner. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s a deal breaker and the type of sacrifices you would be willing to make on behalf of your partner’s comfort level and beliefs. Many people expect that religion won’t be a huge factor in dating, especially in this day and age. But for others, religion plays a large, defining role in their identity.
Being Jewish shapes the way I see and interact with the world. It influences how I choose to celebrate milestones, how I cherish history and storytelling, and even my sense of humor. I’m sure religion does the same for others. While I believe that two different religions and their traditions can be observed and honored in a relationship ― that there can be a way to find harmony between them ― not everyone feels this way (including other Jewish people).
It’s 2023, and people have the right and freedom to draw their boundaries where they choose. I learned the hard way that when it comes to dating, you have to discuss those boundaries sooner rather than later, or else your relationship can end up in trouble. I’m sad that my ex and I had to break up ― I really liked him, and I know it was going somewhere good ― but I’ve made peace with what happened. In fact, I’m proud that I stayed true to myself and my identity ― but I definitely don’t want to go through that in the future.
When I start dating again, I’ll certainly be thinking about all of the things ― including religion ― that might need to be discussed before I get too far into a relationship.
Breaking up with someone is hard, even if you do it out of respect for your family’s traditions and for your partner. But I’m open to meeting new people, having new experiences and whatever the future brings. How many things lie ahead that I can’t yet foresee? I can only imagine, but I hope they’re all pleasant surprises. Maybe someday I’ll even find , funny again.
Allison Grinberg-Funes is a writer, proud Jew, and UX content designer living in Boston. She has a BFA in creative writing and is working on her first novel, amongst other writing projects. You can find her in local indie bookstores or on TikTok at @agracefulgrin.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost in February 2023.
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