In this very special issue of Stephen Please, I am answering questions about all things college. We’ve got letters from three undergrads dealing with various campus crises. For maximum effect, please wrap yourself in a toga and pour yourself a beer from the keg before diving in.
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I was friends with this girl “Oakleigh.” We were both leaders in a college club. We fell out this year over personal issues. Yesterday, I got a long-ass message berating me. She has been blaming me for her problems in the club all year. In her message, she told me not to talk to her anymore.
However, she owes me $70! As part of the club, we buy things on our own before getting reimbursed. She asked us for money, so I sent her $70. Her reimbursement form is submitted, but reimbursements take months.
This leaves me with some options:
1. Respond saying I won’t talk to her once she sends me the $70.
2. Text the leadership group chat in a week for the money.
I don’t necessarily NEED the $70, but it came from my savings, and I can’t save much in college.
Dear Oakleigh’s Antagonist,
Of the options you laid out, I like #1 the most, with one crucial edit. I don’t think you should say you’ll respect her boundaries once you get the money. That implies you’ll violate those boundaries until the money is received. And that seems unnecessary; she’s already submitted the form and is just waiting for your school to process it.
I think you can respect her wishes now and gently assert your right to be repaid when she gets the money. Here’s what I’d say:
“Hi Oakleigh, I’ll respect your request for space. As a reminder, I am still owed $70 for [insert expenses here] when you receive it. Let me know if there’s someone else in the club you’d like to use as a go-between for that, or if you’re okay with me contacting you in [insert reasonable timeframe here] to check in on the reimbursement status.”
If she ghosts you, or you suspect she’s been reimbursed and is withholding your money, that would be the time to get your club’s leadership involved. But give Oakleigh an opportunity to do the right thing first. And keep your communications respectful. If you eventually have to show these messages to your leadership, you’ll want them to reflect well on you.
Speaking of college, here’s a drawing I did. When our parents went to college, it cost a nickel and a barrel of wheat. Now it costs a kidney. Fun times!
For more drawings, follow me on Instagram. Back to the advice…
Over the past school year, my friend “Alison” has lived with two of our other friends and has relayed to me her struggles with them. They only clean if she asks them to and will do things like leave piles of stuff that block doorways, leave food out, refuse to take out trash, etc. Alison has had dorm meetings with them, but to no real results. We’ve been talking about next year’s dorms, and I’ve been saying she shouldn’t live with them again, but they made plans to.
My circumstances recently changed so that I can have roommates. Alison says her ideal roommate would be me, but our other friends are expecting to live with her. Dorm selection is still a month away, so everyone would have time to figure out a new plan, but the confrontation is scaring my friend.
We talked about having me there for support so that it’s not two vs. one, but we’re worried it would come off as combative. How do we navigate this in a way that minimizes hurt?
My advice to your friend: Be honest. I’d frame it like this: “We’ve had several clashes about cleanliness this year, and as I’ve had more time to think about this, I don’t think we’re compatible as roommates. I need to live somewhere where I can be comfortable, and I don’t want disagreements about the dishes to get in the way of two friendships I value.”
My advice to you: Let Alison have this conversation on her own. It’s her thing to handle, not yours, and your participation in the sit-down would only muddy the waters. Alison isn’t making this decision because you stole her away; she’s making it because of an incompatibility between her and her roommates that has nothing to do with you.
For Alison, this is a lesson in how to advocate for herself. For your friends, it’s a lesson in being better roommates. For you, it’s a lesson in letting your friend stand on her own two feet. College is all about life lessons like these. You’re better off for them, I swear! Good luck.
Here’s what college looked like in 2011, in case you were wondering. Yes, that is the guy who now gives people life advice. I believe this was 0.05 seconds after I took a Jell-O shot. Back in the day, we would upload 600 photos like this to a public Facebook album and then wonder why we never got that internship. Oh well!
I’m about to graduate college, with a bachelor’s degree that gets me nowhere. I want to pursue environmental/animal policies/rights, and love to cook and hope to write books. I’ve tried applying for countless policy internships and a few culinary opportunities, but I have zero experience in those fields. Any advice on how to not feel like I’ve fallen completely behind??
Dear Dreading Graduation,
It’s great to have multiple interests. But pick one thing to do right now at a 10. One thing to focus on, to build your resume around. One thing that you’ll pursue with a borderline-worrisome amount of focus.
It’s fine that you don’t have experience yet — that’s how everyone starts! But once you’ve picked your thing, get going with it. You don’t need to wait for a job offer from someone else; do it now on your own terms. If your thing is cooking, spend your days recipe testing in your kitchen. If it’s environmental rights, find a local cause that needs you and start volunteering. Whatever you’re doing, put the results somewhere visible so employers can see them.
Your other interests are still valuable parts of who you are and, so long as you are doing one thing at a 10, you can do a few others at a solid 4 or 5 in your free time.
You can always change course, by the way. You probably will! But go all in on one thing to start. It’s the fastest way to figure out what you do and don’t enjoy. You might find that you like cooking in theory, but hate being on your feet for 12 hours in a hot kitchen. Great! That’s useful information! Pick a new thing, and dial it up to a 10.
That’s all the advice I’ve got today. But before you go, please subscribe to my newsletter! It’s the thing that I am currently doing at a 10. You’ll get each weekly issue of Stephen Please directly to your inbox, for free.
And if you’ve got a problem you’d like me to solve, send it in via my anonymous form.
Okay, it is now time for you to graduate from this article. Please move your tassel to the other side of your little square hat, and exit out of this tab. Goodbye!
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