I’ve Had 2 Near-Death Experiences. Here’s What I Saw When I Died.

I have deep respect for my family members and their beliefs, but over time, my spiritual journey headed in another direction. I’ve attended a variety of other Protestant denominations, all of which had slightly different takes on the afterlife. To this day, I’m not sure about what happens after death, but am not sweating the details.

These days, I’m less religious but more spiritual. I worry less about following rules and pay more attention to listening for guidance. I feel more connected to other people but not anxious about and responsible for convincing them to adopt one set of beliefs or another. I have no doubt about the existence of God but now have a more expansive, inclusive and flexible view of how God operates. I’ve let God out of the box I’d created. Paradoxically, this makes my life feel both terrifying and exciting.

My NDEs brought the finiteness of life into sharp focus. I rarely procrastinate because I am never completely convinced that I will be given the gift of another tomorrow. Although that outlook may seem gloomy, it’s not. That conviction has caused me to pursue my passions, to learn how to paint portraits, figure out how to play my mandolin up and down the neck, and to save up and buy a 22-year-old pickup truck so I can transport my bike and kayak more easily on adventures. Keenly aware that my life will reach its end at a specific time, I feel a nudge to squeeze the most out of every minute.

Sometimes when I’m slammed by the slings and arrows of my daily life, I feel wistful, yearning for that vat of yellow pudding — a place that seemed more like home than any other on Earth. Yet, I’ve never felt quite so wistful that I wanted to make an immediate departure.

Although happiness often eludes me, when I remember to notice, I experience sparks of joy each day — like when I eat a thick slice of Sicilian pizza straight out of the oven or watch a sunset burn orange to purple over our meadow, or when I have a soul-nourishing talk with a close friend while kayaking on Ivy Creek. Although I’m curious and cautiously optimistic about what lies ahead, for now, I’m content to snuggle into all the bad and all the good in my life here.

Early this morning, out of the blue, a close friend (who did not know I was writing an essay on this topic) texted me an Elizabeth Barrett Browning quote that beautifully summarizes my current feelings: 

“Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God…”

This piece was originally published on HuffPost in June 2023 and we are rerunning now as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.

Deborah Prum’s writing has appeared in The Washington Post, The Virginia Quarterly Review, Southern Living, Ladies’ Home Journal, Brevity, Across the Margin, and Streetlight Magazine. Her humorous essays have aired on NPR member stations. Prior to being a writer, she co-directed the Injury Prevention Resource and Research Center at Dartmouth Medical School.