I’m A Female Massage Therapist, And I Refuse To Work With Men Anymore. Here’s Why.

I’ve been practicing massage therapy for almost 30 years. 

I’m aware, likely more than most, how important touch is.

Social affective touch: the kind massage therapists offer ― the kind we get from a friendly hug or a compassionate hand on our shoulder ― has been shown to reduce feelings of social isolation. 

In our increasingly disconnected world, this kind of touch is becoming even more essential. I’ve witnessed the way a person’s painfully contracted body drops into a state of ease as I work, creating a pathway for their mind to find a state of peace and well-being. I watch the way breathing changes as the nervous system downshifts. The tissue of the body softens and subtly expands. The muscles in a face release tension and the furrow between a brow softens. 

For me, massage therapy offers a way to not only soothe my clients, but to soothe myself. In my early 20s ― introverted, highly sensitive and flailing in a sea of grief due to the sudden and monumental loss of my mother ― I was desperate to find something that helped me deal. Massage sessions provided a refuge. 

Beyond the support a talk therapist could provide, massage offered safety and comfort for my body, for the places inside that were holding onto a world with my mom in it. Skilled bodywork professionals help clients build interoceptive skills: the ability to notice and tolerate internal body cues and sensations. Dr. Cynthia Price of the University of Washington, whom I have trained with, has found through her research that better interoceptive skills lead to a stronger sense of agency over one’s well-being and better regulation of emotions.

Men especially need this work. But since last year, if you are a man asking to schedule an appointment with me, the answer is no. 

Let me be clear: I have had wonderful male clients. A handful have been grandfathered into my practice, because I know and trust them, and am assured that they understand and appreciate what I offer them. 

And what I don’t. 

The widespread lack of understanding about the therapeutic value of touch, as well as the fact that many businesses providing sexual services use the word “massage” to skirt the law, causes some men to conflate massage therapy with sex work. 

I regret the many times I tempered my reaction to jokes about whether I provide “happy endings.” Sex workers also provide a service, and I respect that and them. It’s just not what I do. This kind of joking and thinking, as well our society’s culture of sexual repression and aggression, puts professionals in every touching field, including doctors, nurses, physical therapists and personal trainers in danger. And of course, sex workers themselves are even more likely to be assaulted or otherwise experience dangerous situations in their work.