And I ended up finding 23 stories I just had to share with y’all, because they were too good to keep to myself.
1.
“Stole the left shoe of every pair of his shoes.”
2.
“He always did this thing where he’d take the last granola bar and leave an empty box in the pantry. So I emptied out every single thing in the pantry and fridge and left the empty containers… down to the spices and flour bags. Eat shit, Brandon.”
3.
“I printed out his best photo in black and white and mourned him like a dead person.”
4.
“Cut off my afro, got a zero cut up the back and sides, and left a little on top. Rocked that for a few years until my barber, whose salon my sister and mum went to, referred to it as the clit cut. Mum had told him she thought I looked like a clitoris.”
5.
“I had sex with a person 20 years younger than me and then with a person 20 years older than me.”
6.
“Drew him as a porcelain clown doll getting stabbed with a knife from his favourite anime.”
7.
“Calculated how much money he spent on me and then paid him back exclusively in nickels.”
8.
“Made a PowerPoint slideshow where I used Microsoft Paint to depict a story of someone dying and turning into a zombie, set to Paramore’s ‘Never Let This Go.’ I was really into PowerPoint at 15/16, and it was my first breakup. I did feel better afterward though.”
9.
“I pretended to be sympathetic whenever she had problems with her new boyfriend and even drove her to the station and helped her file domestic violence charges. Spent a year acting friendly while keeping receipts. And then I used it all against her in custody.”
10.
“I texted her mom saying her daughter was the worst person I’d ever had the displeasure of knowing.”
11.
“I threw my engagement ring into a canal, rather than, y’know, selling it and buying myself something nice.”
12.
“I got him in trouble with the US Army. Around 20 years ago, during the Iraq war, my ex-fiancée went AWOL and cheated on me, so I called his unit and told them where he was. He ended up getting dishonorably discharged.”
13.
“Set off fireworks outside his house in the middle of the night.”
14.
“I got drunk one night and wandered around our city, stopping at all the places where we had memories together and writing messages in each spot, on the walls and on the ground. Eventually, I went to her street and wrote ‘why didn’t you try?’ on the wall right across from her building.”
15.
“I charged $18,000 to his credit card as payment for his bad behavior. He paid every cent because he knew he was wrong.”
16.
“Logged into her Netflix and watched 5 seasons of Peppa Pig just to ruin her algorithm.”
17.
“Took the glass turntable plate out of their microwave.”
18.
“He was a cheating, alcoholic abuser, so I rubbed his toothbrush in the toilet, rinsed it, put it back, and then keyed his fancy telescope.”
19.
“We lived together, and it took him a few weeks to move out. He would stay home and play Xbox all day while I was at work, so every morning I’d block his Xbox from using our WiFi before leaving, then turn it back on when I got home. All evening I’d block and unblock his Xbox and listen to him call his brother, trying to figure out what was wrong with it.”
20.
“I worked with him, so I spit in his coffee every day for about a year and a half, and put nails under his tires.”
21.
“Scared him by telling him I’d gotten pregnant but had an abortion, and that if he hadn’t left me for another woman, we would have had the baby and raised him together. I was never actually pregnant, I just showed him a positive test that wasn’t mine.”
22.
“I signed him up for various religious groups that offered at-home consultations so he could “ask questions before joining.” I also signed him up for several very not–family-friendly magazine subscriptions.”
23.
“Deleted my ex’s Instagram. Then another ex cheated on me and posted himself with the girl he’d lied about kissing. I messaged her ‘hey girl,’ and she ignored it—so I followed all her friends, posted everything on my stories, and tagged her 😘”
If nothing else, these stories prove that heartbreak makes people creative in ways they never expected. If you’ve got a wild breakup moment of your own, share it in the comments!
Text has been edited for length and clarity.