I Was Devastated When The Love Of My Life Died. Then I Started Seeing Signs I Couldn’t Explain.

I continued to date sporadically. I swiped left on what I thought were good possibilities. I met some nice men, had long conversations with them and then never heard from them again. Sometimes I was the one who ghosted. I struggled to find my footing as a solo parent, swinging between rage, tears, exhaustion and, occasionally, pride. I hated when friends told me how strong I was, how good of a job I was doing, and that they couldn’t imagine what I was going through. I became withdrawn and isolated, shut off from the world I once belonged to and the community that supported me. 

Still, I kept looking for signs. 

One day on a walk with my dogs, a young hawk swooped in slow motion, low and close to us, before landing on a nearby tree. It was so close, I could see the intricate patterns on its deep brown head, white neck and striped wings. Unlike Dave, I didn’t know the difference between a turkey vulture, raven or hawk, much less how old one was. But this bird I instinctively knew. 

I heard Dave whispering in my ear, “Stop. Look at the young hawk. You can tell by its colors.”

I paused to take a picture of the magnificent bird. Across the distance between us, our eyes met, and then the air around me changed. The dogs stood silent. The hot September sun disappeared for a moment behind a cloud, and I felt surrounded by cool air. My body tingled like there was a weight on my shoulder — like an arm was wrapped around me.

Finally, the bird flew off. I exhaled and resumed my walk. 

Then, just a few steps later, I saw it: a large brown and white feather sitting on top of a pile of mottled leaves. I’d seen feathers before, but this was no ordinary feather. It was a foot long and perfectly intact. 

At that moment, I remembered a post from the widows page on Facebook that read, “Feathers are gifts from the other side.”

I never believed in spirits, guardian angels or ghosts. But at that moment, I knew for certain Dave was with me. Like the cricket I had heard so many months before, he was there reminding me that life is full of beauty. He was reminding me to let go of my anger — to enjoy my life.