I Thought I Was Ready For Parenting. But This One Thing Only Gets Worse As My Son Grows Up.

“I love you!” I shouted out the car window as my son walked into his first day of middle school.

Maybe he didn’t hear me, or maybe it was an early case of “tween embarrassment,” but his usual huge smile back was replaced by the tiniest of smirks. Wow. That was different. 

My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, and I couldn’t escape the truth: My not-so-little guy was one step closer to high school and too many steps away from the toddler who wouldn’t let me out of his sight. The heavy feeling in my chest made it hard to breathe, and I drove home willing my tears to wait. After 10 years, I’m still not prepared for the grief motherhood brings. 

Before becoming a mom, I knew about stuff like lack of sleep, mom guilt and the tiny goldfish crumbs that would perpetually line the bottom of my handbag. What no one mentioned was that along with big love, there would be heavier feelings looming. I felt this heaviness when my son learned to walk and he left behind his shuffly crawl, and it was there again on his first day of kindergarten — when he waved goodbye, it was my grief that waved hello. Is parenting always like this?  

Megan B. Bartley, a licensed therapist and founder of The Mindfulness Center, told HuffPost that grief is a very real part of the parenting process. “Grief is bigger than sadness and more complicated,” Bartley said. The Cleveland Clinic defines grief as “the experience of coping with loss,” and it’s this element that makes grief more intense and multilayered than sadness. While you can clearly have sad moments as a parent, grief rises during times of profound shifts and carries a sense of finality — like when our kids leave one developmental phase and move to the next.

Certified grief educator Moira Khan told HuffPost that experiencing grief while parenting is normal. “People feel grief at different times during their parenting journey as their children grow up,” Kahn said. When a toddler says “yellow” instead of “lellow” or a teen chooses to hang with friends over their “super sigma” parents, this shift is not only surprising, but can trigger feelings of loss. Grief emerges as we say goodbye to who our child was, and embrace who they are becoming.

When I dropped my son off for middle school that first morning, I anticipated feeling sad. My husband and I talked about this being an obvious milestone the night before, so I was ready to feel some feelings. But it was my child’s new adult smile that triggered my grief spiral. “Grief occurs in situations where we have no control,” Kahn said. Case and point: I loved my son’s huge kid-like grin, and in that moment I knew it was gone. Cue the grief. 

Bartley told HuffPost that parenting in and of itself is a grieving process: “From the beginning we’re tasked with constantly letting go of our child with every phase.” This process is developmentally appropriate, and Khan emphasized to HuffPost that parents don’t need to feel guilty when this emotion occurs because the experience is universal.