I Help People Get Divorced. These Are The Biggest Relationship Red Flags I Constantly See.

“I’ll make you pay for this!”

I used to hear these dramatic words uttered by jilted lovers in movies, and think it was something said in the heat of the moment, with no real consequences.

I’ve discovered that’s not the case when it comes to high-conflict spouses. Believe it: Your rejection of them ― and your desire to escape ― injures their fragile ego, and can set them on a path of total annihilation.

Then, remarkably, our family court system gives these narcissistic types the battleground to wage that war.

I learned about this the hard way, after spending thousands of dollars in court battles and losing months of work time defending myself during my own divorce. And I’m one of the “lucky ones,” the ones who didn’t go bankrupt and end up sleeping on someone’s couch. I know thousands of people worse off ― and that’s why I became a divorce coach to help them.

I wish I could say I’m not affected by their often horrifying stories ― or that I don’t grab my own tissues ― when I sign off from my coaching sessions. But I’d be lying. Ninety-five percent of my clients had a coercive-controlling partner and are either trying to escape or trying to put the pieces of their life back together. I often wonder if people realize that marrying the wrong mate can destroy their life. The fact that most don’t keeps me up at night.

“My husband said if I divorce him, he will ruin me, take all my money ― I’ll have nothing and will live on the street,” “Margo,” a high-powered executive in Massachusetts who is afraid to use her real name, told me. “He also said, ‘You won’t get the children ― in fact, your children will hate you. I will destroy your career and destroy anyone who tries to date you. The flip side is if you stay with me, none of this will happen.’”

Margo thought they were empty threats.

“I soon learned he was telling the truth,” she told me, now three years into her divorce and $200,000 poorer. She said her ex continues to try anything he can to stop the divorce, including refusing to hand over her personal belongings, filing motions in court, rejecting any negotiations she attempts and even having her arrested on bogus claims that she abused him. This respected businesswoman spent six hours in a jail cell. When the police carted her away, her husband stood in the front window smiling and waving like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”

Sounds crazy, right? That’s because it is.

It’s heartbreaking for me to see women destroyed emotionally, physically and financially. So I support them every way I can: strategizing about what they need to do before telling their husband they want out, encouraging them to stockpile money for an escape, outlining the process, helping them choose an attorney who really understands high-conflict spouses, explaining manipulators’ typical divorce behavior and giving them tips to safeguard their children.

Divorces from a high-conflict person can take three times longer than a typical divorce, and are usually three to four times as expensive. Often, I am the only person in their lives who truly understands the beast they’re up against. These victims need to know they’re not alone, so I started Strong Savvy Women, a support group of women who understand this underworld. We have a Facebook group and monthly meetings.

But I cannot change our legal system. Often, judges and attorneys label a couple “high-conflict” even when there’s only one spouse creating the chaos, while the other desperately wants out.

That’s why I’m on a mission to warn people before they end up in this nightmare. If you’re dating someone and you see any trademark narcissistic behavior, or you just have a gut feeling something isn’t right, do not legally bind yourself to this person. It could be the biggest mistake of your life. And always have access to your own money, because without that, you can become a captive.

Courtney, a New Jersey mom who survived a nine-year marriage to a coercive controller, will never forget the day she was at the shore, watching her kids surf, when a court clerk called and ordered her to get on Zoom.

“My ex asked the judge to have me committed, and told her I was mentally unfit and had threatened his life ― after I had just filed a restraining order against him,” she told me. She said a judge ordered a custody evaluation, and her daughter begged not to go to her dad’s house but was sent for visits anyway. 

“How do you describe that you are entwined in conflict with someone who you haven’t talked to in seven years?” Courtney, now nearing her eighth year of post-separation abuse, said. “The truth is stranger than fiction.”

This single mom of two with two jobs has already spent close to $90,000 in legal fees. After their split, she said her ex used the courts to bully and harass her, despite prior restraining orders against him. She claims he even tried to run her over with the kids in the car.