‘I Called Off My Wedding After 1 Comment From My Fiancé’s Mother. Was I Unfair?’

“His mum has always made passive-aggressive comments”

The original poster (OP) said that while her now ex-fiancé was training to become a heart surgeon, she already had a flourishing career as a nurse. 

“I love it,” she wrote.

“This job has made it possible for me to buy my own house and car and travel outside the country. I can raise a family on my own income.” 

Her ex, meanwhile, met her at work and approached her first. His mother always made “passive-aggressive” comments about her job, she says; nonetheless, they got engaged and threw a celebratory dinner for the whole family.

At that party, OP writes, her former mother-in-law-to-be joked with her sisters that her fiancé could get “any female doctor” he wants; the fiancé replied that his partner does very well and was always financially independent. 

But as the mother pressed on with her snide remarks, the poster snapped back, saying neither she nor any of the other women there were in a place to judge seeing as they were all housewives. 

Everyone, including her fiancé, asked her to apologise, but instead she broke up with him “on the spot.” 

“I see a lifetime of taunts, and I can’t ask him to cut off his parents. Which he won’t do anyway,” she ended. 

It’s more important than most of us realise to consider the family you’re marrying into 

It’s not that either the ex’s fiancé did anything hugely wrong or that the poster was completely fair to snap at his mother.

But marriage and family therapist and author of I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants To End Your Marriage Becky Whetstone says, “You not only marry a person, you marry a family, and avoiding grandiose ones is always a good idea.” 

“It is a terrible feeling when anyone openly disrespects or looks down at you,” she added.

“I’ve experienced it (with in-laws, too!), and probably everyone but Prince Charles has.” 

So, while she doesn’t think “leaving a good husband because of how misguided and boundary-less his parents are” is a good idea, she does feel that “These types ridiculously have high expectations of their children, and have set a bar in their imaginations for their children to reach.” 

“This is a very unhealthy thing for a parent to do, and a terrible example for their children.”

The experience of the “not good enough” child-in-law can be incredibly isolating and leave the new family member to feel their spouse is “valuing [their parents] over [their spouse], which would be very wounding.” 

“We can’t control these people,” Whetstone continued.

“Her [fiancé] could handle it, as I said, or she can avoid them at all cost.”

But if your partner “Doesn’t have [your] back and support [you] wholeheartedly” in front of your in-laws and isn’t seriously invested in protecting your happiness from their insults, leaving may be an “understandable” option.