“Honey, That Is The Fullest Colon I Have Ever Seen”: Patients Share Embarrassing Doctor Visits

14.

“I was at work, and we had to load and unload that stock, and somehow, I had managed to strain hard enough during one of my shifts that I gave myself a case of hemorrhoids. Now, this was long before WebMD, and I wasn’t exactly educated about such things, so I dealt with it as long as I could, until one day I went to my mom and told her what was happening. She promptly took me to the doctor to get everything checked. As soon as the doctor took a look, he said, ‘OK, this thing is about to burst. We need to cut it out.'”

“He then turns to the doctor’s assistant, who was also in the room, and says, ‘Can you get Kelly for me?’ Obviously, I’m not thrilled that two people have already peered deeply into my soul from the bottom up, and I’m not really keen on a third observer. The doctor then proceeds to tell me what is about to happen. ‘We can’t give you any anesthetic. The blood vessels of the anus are too small, and an anesthetic may cause complications.’ The door opens, and in walks Kelly, who is probably 6’5 and 240 pounds. I then learns that Kelly’s job is to help spread my butt cheeks apart and hold me still while the doctor cuts out the hemorrhoid.

Now, one might assume that having a large man hold my butt cheeks apart while my ass is sliced up is the embarrassing part, but not so much. After the doctor finishes with the stitches, the nurse comes in and hands me a maxi-pad. The doctor then tells me, ‘Well, you’re going to be bleeding for a while, you should put that in your boxers to catch any spotting.’

And that’s how I came to wear maxi pads for almost two weeks during my senior year of high school.”

—digitalburro