Gay Men Who Came Out Later Share What Finally Made Them Accept Their Sexuality

18.

“I’m 40, and I came out nearly about a year-and-a-half ago at 38. My wife passed away in January of 2019. About five or six years prior to her passing away, I started to realize that I wasn’t straight, and figured I must have been bisexual, as I would only ever fantasize about men and watch gay porn exclusively. I was happily married with two kids. We had a normal marriage and sex life in every way. I kept my sexuality to myself, as I felt it was irrelevant and that there was nothing I could do about it. I would never cheat on my wife, and I couldn’t imagine hurting her or the kids by coming out and getting divorced. I resigned myself to holding onto this secret forever. I felt regret at times, because I met my wife at a young age (18), and she had been my only sexual partner, and I knew that having a sexual or romantic experience with a man was something that I could never have.”

“After she passed away, I started seeing a therapist for grief. I was holding onto an insane amount of guilt, though. Part of me felt responsible for her death, as if my being bi or gay and that feeling of regret somehow caused it. Eventually, I came out to my therapist and slowly started coming out to others. I also realized that the label of ‘gay’ made more sense than ‘bi,’ did, as I am rarely if ever attracted to women (my wife seemed to be the exception to this, though if I am being honest, it was much more of an emotional attachment than a physical one), and have no desire to date or have sex with women.

I’m now ‘out’ out… my kids, family, and friends know. I even posted something on Facebook on National Coming Out Day, outing myself to the larger community of my Facebook friends.

Thinking back through my past, I think all of the signs were there as early as 12 or 13, as I can remember having crushes on boys as early as then. But I’ve always been a ‘follow the rules’ type of person, and marrying a woman and having kids was what I was ‘supposed to do.’ This was motivation enough for me to avoid all of the signs. In reading through the other responses of those who have come out late, I’m realizing this is a common thread.

While living with the grief of losing my best friend and partner, as well as raising a 10 and 14-year-old on my own is difficult and painful at times, I am able to recognize the silver lining in that I am now living my true self. I can’t predict what would have happened if she hadn’t passed away. Maybe those feelings of regret would have become unbearable after a while, and we would have ended up divorcing. But there’s no way to know, and I consider it fortunate that we had our happy years together, and that my future, though different, will feature my true self.”

—drfinale