A Therapist Says These Are The Five Stages Of A Dying Marriage

When a marriage is in decline, it tends to follow a predictable pattern. Knowing what to look for can help you repair your relationship before it’s too late.

Becky Whetstone, an Arkansas marriage and family therapist and the author of the forthcoming book I (Think) I Want Out, has spent more than 20 years counseling couples. She wrote her Ph.D. dissertation at St. Mary’s University in San Antonio on the stages of a deteriorating marriage.

“This is the most important thing couples could know,” Whetstone told HuffPost via email. “[It’s] similar to understanding cancer symptoms, the stages of cancer and early detection.”

While doing research for her dissertation, she came across the work of sociologist Diane Vaughan, the author of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. In her 1986 book, Vaughan delineated the various stages, or turning points, that individuals go through when ending a relationship. After interviewing more than 100 people about their breakups, Vaughan discovered that most splits followed a very similar trajectory.

“When I read it, I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, why don’t people know about this?’” Whetstone said.

Then, Whetstone conducted her own in-depth interviews with a set of subjects, hoping to find some “common patterns” in the dissolution of their relationships, she said.

“When I did my own research, interviewing 11 subjects for two hours apiece and asking them all the same exact questions, I wasn’t thinking about Vaughan’s stages at all,” she said. “I was looking for common patterns in what my subjects told me and was open to anything. But, lo and behold, Vaughan’s stages revealed themselves.”

These stages are mostly experienced internally, occurring in the mind of the “decider” (the individual who’s initiating the breakup), Whetstone explained. Often, this person doesn’t voice their relationship concerns to their partner until late in the process.

“Unfortunately, unhappy partners keep the extent of what is going on a secret from their spouse until it is almost too late,” Whetstone said. “It’s so important that partners stay in touch and let the other know when they are struggling.” 

Below are five stages of a dying marriage outlined by Whetstone. The first four align with some of Vaughan’s findings, while the fifth is one that Whetstone discovered in her own research, she said.

Stage 1: Disillusionment