This So-Called Positive Parenting Phrase Is Actually Super Painful For Your Child

When children grow up feeling unconditional love from their parents, they are more likely to become mentally and physically healthy adults. When kids are experiencing big emotions, it’s especially important to let them know they can verbalize their feelings without losing your security and support.

Phrases like “We love you, but…” can send the wrong signal in these vulnerable moments. 

“What [parents] are actually accomplishing is they are telling their child that their love is conditional,” said Dr. Stacy Doumas, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Hackensack Meridian Health. “By putting the word ‘but’ in there, they are signaling that there is an exception to their love.” 

Many parents show love for their children in small ways on a daily basis: a goodnight kiss, a lunchbox note, a conversation about school. So when children misbehave and indicate insecurity with “Are you mad at me?” a simple reminder should be enough to reassure them. 

“They really should use, ‘I love you’ — hard stop — to let the child know that their love is unconditional,” Doumas said. “If a child feels that their parent’s love is conditional, that can lead to things like low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiety and trust issues, and it might impact their later relationships.”

When kids make a poor choice and start questioning their parents’ affection, reaffirming love is important, but it needs to be separated from the conversation about behavior. 

How To Separate Conversations About Love And Behavior