This Is What Harms Married People’s Happiness The Most, Therapists Say

It’s easy for married couples to become two ships passing in the night, each so preoccupied by their own personal to-do lists, worries, and distractions that they rarely have a moment of true connection. But when you fail to take each other’s “emotional pulse on a near-daily basis,” it has a way of widening the distance between you, said Los Angeles-based couples therapist David Narang.

“This leaves you isolated from each other, and more vulnerable to more intense conflict and also to possible betrayals,” he told HuffPost.

Narang suggests spending 15 to 20 minutes each night talking about the events of the day and, more importantly, getting into the “emotional impact of those events — e.g. joy, stress, fear or sadness — on each partner.” Ask questions so you can really understand where your partner is coming from. 

“When we feel known by our partner, we are getting the closeness we need, and so we are spontaneously more likely to protect our couple,” Narang said.

“This protection means, for example, that when there is a conflict, we are more likely to contain it rather than to send it off the rails,” he said. “This protection also extends to strengthening our resolve to avoid betraying our partner, both because we specifically want to avoid hurting our spouse due to the feelings of closeness, and because it is now difficult for another acquaintance to look as appealing as one’s partner.”

Putting yourself last