People In “Secret” Relationships Share What Happened And Why They Were Secret

9.

“My secret relationship is the necessary kind as opposed to the fun and exciting kind. I’m a trans man, and my partner is still in the closet. We’re both bisexual, but he’s never gone public about his relationships and sexual encounters with men, while I’ve been openly bisexual since I was 13.”

“It killed me at first to try to hide things, but over time I’ve just gotten used to it. I used to feel like he was embarrassed or ashamed of me, but then I met his family, and I understood he was just trying to protect me. His parents are older (closer in age to my grandparents than to my own parents) and unfortunately, quite close-minded, so they don’t know that we’re together (they just think we’re housemates) and they don’t know I’m trans either (thankfully, I pass well or this would be a much more awkward conversation). His brothers are even worse, one of them talks openly about wanting to kill all gay people and stuff like that… So there’s a good reason to keep me in the closet. It’s a generational thing too, I think; he’s a bit older than me and grew up at a time when men couldn’t be open about being gay or bi, and he’s had a hard time moving on from that mindset. We also work together, and he just wants to avoid the gossip, which I agree with.

Thankfully, my friends and family are all open-minded and accepting of him and our relationship, so at least I don’t have to hide with *everyone*. My parents have treated him like family since day one, he’s great friends with my younger brother, and my grandparents absolutely love him. My friends get along great with him too, and he often gets invited along to our outings.

I do hope someday he won’t have to hide like this anymore, but until then, this is what we live with. Our five-year anniversary is in June, and we’ve been living together for three years, so the relationship itself is definitely going well… the circumstances he’s in just force us to hide it. Is it worth it? For him, yes, but if we break up at some point, I’m not doing this again for someone else. A secret relationship like this is incredibly hard on the partner who was previously out and now has to go back in the closet, and most people don’t consider that; they just focus on how hard things are for the still-closeted partner.”

—Anonymous, 30, Canada