People Are Sharing The Couples Therapy Moments That Completely Changed Their Relationships

“Monotony used to be a challenge for my husband, Daniel, and I. We’ve been together for 14 years. We’d get into emotional routines, and the boredom would make us shut each other out of our internal worlds. Therapy helped us understand that no matter how much we think we know about one another, there is always more to discover. Always. We’re comrades, but we’re also beautiful strangers. At any given moment, there are things going on in my husband’s head that I can’t see, which I find endlessly thrilling. And whenever I try to mine those things, I discover things about myself I haven’t conceptualized before. It’s an exhilarating give-and-take that not only saves us from boredom but also makes both of us feel seen.

“Since we learned that, even arguments have become more fulfilling. It’s allowed us to let go of expectations about how a relationship should work, which makes us more accepting of our shortcomings. We are gentler with each other and more invested. I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to feel that my partner cares enough to look for the mysteries in me. It makes me feel desired. It creates a beautiful reciprocity.” ― Micah Unice, a medical administrator in Salt Lake City, Utah

“We learned the importance of a 30-minute weekly marriage meeting and asking, ‘What do you need?’

“My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have been going to marriage counseling for over six years. We started attending not because there was a crisis but because we ― well, I ― wanted us to be able to communicate in a way that reduced the tension I felt in the relationship and made everything feel easier.

“One of the most helpful pieces of structure that we’ve introduced into our lives because of therapy is a Saturday morning, 30-minute conversation in which we review the last week and look forward to the next week. We have two small children and a house and lives of our own, so life can get busy.

“Figuring it out ahead of time has made our lives easier. And especially because I tend to be the planner (which I literally am by profession) and my husband the ‘go along to get along’ type (a wonderful type to have, by the way, during the COVID quarantine), this structure really lowers my stress about keeping the household running without me needing to maintain an iron grip on it.

“The single most important question we’ve learned to ask is, ‘What do you need?’ Let’s say my husband is angry ― about what is less important. He’s venting. I instinctively start to spin all sorts of (usually totally wrong) tales in my own head about how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking. It creates an uncomfortable atmosphere that I really wish would go away.

“If I simply ask him, ‘What do you need right now?’ then it usually leads quickly to him stating out loud what he needs and what, if anything, I can do for him. No more catastrophizing or guessing on my part. He feels cared for. And sometimes (!!) there’s even something I can do to make his life better.” ― Meg Bartelt, a financial planner in Bellingham, Washington

“We learned how much our families of origin affect how we behave in our marriage.”