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Do I need to come out? I’m a cis female happily married to a cis male. We’ve been together since we were young, so I barely dated. In my 30s I realized I was queer, but that I’m happy in my marriage. I regret not getting to date women, but not enough to change my life. But I have a big, queer community.
My mom knows I’m in a queer choir, and that I’m very involved. She knows that a lot of my friends are queer. But I’ve never told her that I am. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if she guessed, but still. Do I need to come out to her? Will I regret not doing so? I’m so conflicted.
As an advice columnist, I’m usually hesitant to tell letter writers whether or not to come out. It’s too personal of a decision for some random guy with one paragraph of context to make for you. But then again, most letter writers in your position name at least one reason why coming out could be a bad idea — a homophobic family, a religious community, a conservative workplace, etc.
I kept waiting for that part of your letter, but it (luckily!) never came. From the sound of it, you’ve got a loving partner, an affirming group of friends, and a mom comfortable enough with queerness that she might already have some guesses about yours. Unless there’s a specific concern not mentioned in your letter, then congratulations, you have been pre-approved by Stephen to come out of the closet.
1. They’ve had some time to process their identity on their own.
2. They have a safe place to land if the conversation goes south.
3. They have a personal mission statement of sorts for why they’d like to share this part of themself with others.
It sounds like you’re set on #1 and #2, but struggling with #3. So here’s my question for you: What would it mean for you to come out to your mom?
Would you breathe a sigh of relief? Would it bring you closer together? Would you feel more comfortable inviting her to your choir shows? Would it open the door to other meaningful conversations about your life and worldview? Would it mean something to her to be trusted with this information?
You might answer “no” to all of those questions and decide not to tell her. That is perfectly fine! But if you land on a “yes” or two, sit with it. You are never obligated to come out, but sometimes there are good reasons to do it anyway.
Speaking of LGBT, here’s a rainbow I drew.
A recurring theme you will see in this column is how much I like putting food in color order. It is possible that a licensed professional might have something to say about this. Oh well! Back to the advice…
My sister constantly complains about her fiancé. She complains to me, my younger sister, and her friends in a group chat. When I say she complains I mean she nitpicks almost everything he does. She complains that she has to do everything at home even though he is the majority breadwinner. She constantly says she wishes she could leave him but states that she can’t because of the multiple dogs they own (even though she’s the one who convinced him to adopt most of their dogs).
Another reason why she can’t leave him is that she can’t live without his financial help. The house is his from before they got together, and the cars that they’ve had have been in his name. Before she lived with him she would either couchsurf, live with our parents, or sleep in her car.
Should I tell him about what she says behind his back?
Your sister sounds messy. But you’ll be messy too if you start causing problems in her relationship.
It’s also not clear to me what you’d accomplish by blowing this up. She wants to leave the relationship but does not have the financial means to live on her own. So telling him does nothing but accelerate the rate at which your sister is thrown into crisis.
If you have the capacity to get involved in this, I’d focus your efforts on helping your sister exit the relationship in a healthy way. Can you help her get a job, connect her to public assistance programs, find her a sliding-scale therapist, etc.?
And if you don’t have the capacity to get involved in this, that’s fair, too. Tell your sister you are not the right audience for her complaints, and tap out of it.
My best friend is mad at me for a reason I don’t know. She started ignoring me two weeks ago and she won’t tell me what I did wrong. Should I try to wait, ask again, or stop trying to be her friend?
I’ll vote “ask again” — but a different question than the one you’ve been asking. Instead of “What did I do wrong?” I’d try a more open-ended, “What’s going on?”
Because you might not have done anything wrong! It’s a logical thing to wonder about when you’re getting the silent treatment, but there are other possible explanations for her distance. Maybe she’s going through a rough time and isn’t answering anyone right now. Or maybe she did something wrong and is avoiding you out of guilt. Or maybe she’s backing off the friendship for personal differences that don’t amount to wrongdoing on either part. Etc. etc. etc.
If any of these things are the case, then “What did I do wrong?” is not a direct line to the answers you seek. Instead, just name what you’re seeing without filling in the blanks for her: “You haven’t answered my texts in weeks, and I’d like to know what’s going on.”
And an optional bonus: “If I’ve done something wrong, I’d like to make it right. Or if you’re going through something difficult, I’d like to be there for you.”
I can’t guarantee this message will get a response, of course. But it at least opens the floor to all possibilities, not just the one in your head. I hope you hear back.
That’s all the advice I’ve got today. If you enjoyed this column, I hope you’ll subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each weekly issue right in your email for free. Give your inbox a little weekly treat!
