“I Thought Everything Was Fine”: 19 Men “Blindsided” By Divorce Share What They See Differently Now

15.

“I felt the relationship was excellent. She was not entirely happy. She’s not a joyful person and carries intermittent anger. During couples counseling, our therapist pointed out that I was doing almost all of the work in the relationship; she’d have to work on herself if we were to improve. That didn’t sit well with her. She rarely thought about me other than as someone who could keep her happy. Per her request, we went to a different therapist who drew the same conclusions. Rather than working on herself or the relationship, she blamed me and rage-quit the marriage. Sadly, I’ve never been as happy as when we were together. She’s not perfect, obviously, but I loved her completely. Most of the time, we got along great. We’d often talk about how lucky we were to be together and living a great life. I was honest in my wedding vows. I took great pride in improving every day to be an awesome husband for her. Sometimes giving everything is not enough.”

“Our first therapist would ask her questions like, ‘After you did [insert something selfish], did you consider how that would make your husband feel?’ The blank look on her face and brief moment of introspection said it all. 

My wife is a bit of a narcissist and has difficulty taking criticism or accountability for her actions. To deflect from herself, she would make wildly incorrect assumptions. When I would say something benign, she would take it as a personal attack. I would say X, and her rebuttal would be, ‘Yes, you said X, but what you really meant was Y, Z, Q, F, D… and that was hurtful.’ Somehow, that made me the bad person and her the victim. Classic gaslighting.

She justified leaving by saying she had been unhappy for years, and I should have known, despite her not telling me there was a serious problem. There was no indication.

I think she realized she was not a very good partner. Then she would get in her own head, punish herself for not being a good partner, and make herself feel even worse.”

—u/Individual-Bike-3246