“I Looked Like A Medieval Peasant Child For Three Months” – 19 Things People Will Never Do Again

5.

“Ride at the fair called ‘The Zipper’.”

–nyarlathotep2

“My wife convinced me to try the fucking zipper. I, being a dumb fuck, agreed. It wasn’t too bad at first. Now, before I move on, I think it’s important to note here, my wife and I are both overweight. Not in, like, a sideshow sort of way, but definitely more than average. Now, I’m no physicist, but something about our increased mass compared to the other Zipper cages set us up for the deluxe experience. 

We started to spin around. Everyone did. But, where they’d kind of spin, stop, rock, in a more controlled manner, my wife and I just kept spinning. We spun and spun and spun some fucking more. I do not like to spin. A spin here and there. or an occasional loop, I’ll tolerate it. But we were fucking spinning all the god-damned time.

In the middle of this spin-fest I was doing because my wife loves these bullshit rides, she has the audacity to say to me, ‘I don’t think I’m enjoying this anymore.’ Oh, okay, well me either from spin two, but why tell me this while I’m in the middle of reaching the world record for consecutive cases of whiplash in five minutes? I can’t stop the spinning. If I could, we’d stop. 

So now I’m hating the spinning and it’s no longer something I did for her, because she is also hating the spinning. So I’m just mad and spinning and it feels like it’ll never end. I resign myself to just spinning until I just up and die. Cause of death? God-damned Zipper. You couldn’t pay me to get on it again. I’ve never been more relieved something was over.”

–nyarlathotep2