Former Patients Are Sharing Their Most Mortifying Doctor Visits, And Oh……My……God…….

11.

“I have Crohn’s and have had my small intestine resected a few times. I also have two teenage sons and grew up with four kid brothers as the eldest girl and had to babysit those heathens all the time, so it takes a lot to gross me out. Let me also say I grew up in a smallish town in Texas, so it’s pretty easy to run into people you know in public. I had a problem my senior year of high school and wound up spending a month in the hospital right before winter break. I got my small bowel resected for the first time that year, and was sent home afterwards to recover. My family came to visit for the holidays, and decided to go have dinner at a local restaurant. I was on antibiotics and had to eat with each dose, or I’d get incredibly ill and nauseous.”

“I had this compression job on my belly button to hold the stitches in place in my navel from the laparoscopic surgery, and was told to avoid throwing up if I could. I took my medicine, and was told not to eat by an aunt who insisted we’d be leaving for the restaurant soon and I’d spoil my appetite (known to be finicky). An hour passed, and we finally got to the restaurant. I’m starving by then and starting to get the ‘water jaws’ thing where your mouth fills with saliva and you know what’s going next: you’re about to blow like Old Faithful. 

Right as I begin to gingerly sip water to alleviate my nausea, a waitress walks up, and another aunt asks if the kitchen is kosher (couldn’t you have done this ahead of time???). By then, I was the Pale Rider. It was going down. Or up. Whatever. Get out of the way! I took off running and covered my mouth. Big mistake. That funneled the vomit comet out of my nostrils and onto the walls of the restaurant. My mom, seeing my distress, followed me to the bathroom to help me clean up. One of my stitches had torn, and we had to go to the emergency room. 

I was laughing so hard, though, because I always laughed at myself when I am vomiting (still do tbh); also, this was nose vomit. A waitress came into the bathroom to check on us. I was still shooting vomit from my nostrils with each giggle, making the whole thing a negative feedback loop of laughter and vomit. Between that poor waitress and the ER staff, we probably scared over a dozen people by laughing at this situation that most people consider disgusting and dangerous. However, the only way to cope with that kind of stress is to find the humorous moments. Clearly, still works out.”

—Anonymous, 42, female, Texas