Experts Are Sharing The Subtle Signs You’re Putting Too Much Pressure On Your Kid

When kids are overwhelmed, but they don’t want to disappoint their parents, excuses pop up. They might have a stomachache, lose their athletic equipment or move at sloth speed. If they lack the coping tools to manage their obligations, they will start to avoid the tasks entirely. 

“Consider what’s the ‘why’ for the kid: Why is the kid taking dance, why is the kid taking the extra math class?” said Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller Under Pressure. “If the ‘why’ is because the parent wants it, but the kid themselves doesn’t have an investment, that’s the time to think hard about whether it’s the right way to go.” 

Some things can be easily dropped if kids don’t want to participate. Other obligations, like school, can’t be avoided. In either case, the way that a parent handles a child’s avoidance can either increase or decrease stress.

Consider an example that Damour shares in her book: A student felt unprepared for her chemistry test. She wanted her dad to pick her up before the test. If her dad helped her avoid it, he would end up reinforcing the problem, making her less resilient in the long run. Instead, the teen needed a caring champion like her dad, or in this case, a counselor, to guide her through solutions like getting clarification from the teacher, reviewing with peers and looking up tutorials online. She ended up squeezing in extra studying, taking the test and learning to be more adaptable thanks to the guidance of a calm adult. 

“[Parents] can have an open conversation with their kid where they make it clear that they don’t have a strong agenda.” Damour said. “They are trying to get a sense of how [their kid] is feeling about the things that they are doing and what they are working on.”

Sign #2: They Can’t Recover