During A Night Of Hazing, I Confessed A Dark Secret To My Pledge Brothers. It Changed Everything.

The Leader carefully explained the next phase of the exercise. First he congratulated us on passing “Beach Night,” which he called a “test.” Then he spoke about our newly formed lifelong bond and the chance to open up to our new family. He told us the pit we’d dug would act as a sacred space to reveal our secrets.

“This is a safe space — an open space for you all to share things about yourselves so that you can become closer as brothers,” he said.

I was so cold my jaw rattled, but I didn’t care. I was captivated by what was taking place around me.

One by one my brothers began to open up about shattered athletic careers, battles with drug addiction, eating disorders and anxiety. They spoke of the loss of family members and friends. As each person revealed his struggles, fears and mistakes, it felt as if a weight was being lifted from me. We were exposing our true, unfiltered selves. It was a chance to embrace our imperfections and let go of judgment.

When it was my turn to share, it felt right to reveal an intense trauma that I had kept hidden for years. I told my brothers about the sexual abuse I had endured at the hands of a trusted family friend.

“I thought he had all the answers. I didn’t want to do those things with him, but I felt I had to,” I said. I spoke about how I’d confided in him when I was 13 about my feelings for men, and how, not long after, he started making advances on me.

Trying to formulate the words to express what I had been through for the first time, I told them, “My family loved him. He was always around. His words were all I knew. He made me seek validation from him, and he used it to take advantage of me.”

My sentences toppled over each other, spit flying from my quivering lips.

“It seemed like he wanted me to stay closeted forever — like my sexuality was our little secret,” I said.

It was the first time I had ever shared these traumatic memories with anyone. This admission to my pledge brothers ended up sending me on a three-year healing journey. Soon after “Beach Night,” I finally began therapy, something I had never pursued before because I was too ashamed to speak about what my abuser had done to me.

My pledge brothers moved closer to me in the triangle pit to hug me and hold my hand.

“This brotherhood makes me realize what life’s all about — having a group of friends who love me. That’s all I can ask for,” I told them.

This was what I had always hoped for: a community where I could be supported and be myself. As I sat in that pit at 6 a.m. experiencing my brothers’ genuine care and acceptance, I knew I had finally found it.

I know not every gay pledge is as lucky as I was. Despite how far our society has come, homophobia still runs rampant — not just in Greek life, but also in our country and around the world. While I was simply looking for a place to belong and a brotherhood to share my life with, I’m confident that my participation in this fraternity changed and opened some minds. What’s more, I hope telling my story might also open the minds of people who think it’s impossible for a gay guy to thrive in a fraternity.

From my experience, it’s not only possible, but also beneficial for every brother involved. It’s a testament to the progress we’ve made as a society, and a reminder of the work still to be done to ensure that everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, can find a place where they feel accepted, respected, and valued.

“Beach Night” was truly a turning point in my life, and from then on, everything was different. I never thought I would find solidarity in a group of frat boys, but I did, and I could not be more grateful for what they’ve helped me achieve.

Note: This essay was originally published on HuffPost in June 2024 and is being rerun now as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned in this essay.

Tanner Aiello’s writing explores his experience as the first openly gay member of his college fraternity. He’s currently finishing up his debut novel, “Tales of a Gay Frat Star.” Follow his book journey on Instagram, TikTok or Twitter @gayfratstar.

Need help? Visit RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.