Disastrous First Dates That, Let’s Just Say, Didn’t Lead To Epic Romances (Or Even Second Dates)

28.

“Mine was death by a thousand cuts; no one of these things was a dealbreaker, but all of them? Hard pass. We ran into someone he knew, and he chatted with her for five minutes without even acknowledging my existence, much less introducing us. He touched the server repeatedly, then told her he was on a date and trying to impress me. After I placed my order, he kept telling the server to come back for his order; I was hungry and finally had to tell him that they wouldn’t make my food until he ordered his. He left me alone to smoke outside not once, twice, or even three times, but FOUR. If you can’t make it through dinner without FOUR cigarette breaks, get a damn patch. I seriously considered trying to get out through the kitchen more than once.”

“He asked me if I had any siblings, and when I said my only sibling was deceased, he asked HOW my brother died, then made a huge production of being SHOCKED and HORRIFIED. Then, 10 minutes later, he asked me again if I had any siblings. When he asked about siblings the second time, I said no. Then he spilled his drink on me.

If I were a sitcom writer, I would have turned this into an episode because, as miserable an evening as it was for me, it was entertaining for everyone within earshot. Especially when I leaned my head against the bank behind me in exasperation, and a lit candle nearly set my hair on fire.”

—annab4fef789d4