Crime Scene Cleaners Are Exposing The Wildest Things They’ve Ever Seen, And Holyyyy Crappp

19.

Lastly, “We get the man into the bag so the crime scene can take their photos. In the nearby toilet, we discover even more blood. Possibly up to at least a third of this gentleman’s entire volume of blood in the john. It was just around that exact moment when another patrol officer was perusing around the residence when he started to find random objects covered in fecal matter. Eventually, he found more objects with a mix of fecal matter and blood. It then hit us just exactly what we were dealing with — extreme violent sodomy with foreign objects. Most of the objects were ‘reasonable,’ I suppose, smaller objects resembling the phallic shape, TV remotes, things of that sort. Well, three of the objects that stuck out when they were discovered make this story.”

“The first was a broom. Sure, you think, kinda skinny, right? Can’t be THAT bad. Well, it was the depth of the grip of it that we were concerned about. This man definitely had his bowel perforated by how deep this thing went. The second object of note was a baseball bat, its contact end. Again, pretty deep, but significantly wider in girth. The final and most stand-out of the objects was a guitar. A really nice Stratocaster, too. The tuning end of a guitar. The tuning knobs were all covered in a thick paste of fecal matter and blood.

At autopsy, the findings were obvious. However, what I had to do was something I’ll never forget. After the primary evisceration was complete, the doctor wanted to completely excise the rectum. So I had to don a chainmail glove and, after rolling this poor guy onto his side, press inside his abdominal cavity to press his rectum out towards his anus so the doctor could pull it taut enough to cut out. After she had his guy’s rectum out, which resembled one of those jelly-filled toys that when you hold them, they kinda fall inside themselves and through your hands (my ’80s/’90s friends should recall these guys). We then cut it lengthwise to unfold the rectal tissue into a large rectangle and assess the extent of the internal lacerations. Needless to say, deep, extensive, and numerous. 

So, that’s the story about how I had to cut out a guy’s butthole, for science, medicine, and law.”

—Zaexyr