Ask A Sexologist: Why Don’t I Feel In The Mood For Sex Until My Partner Initiates?

Not all lust is the same, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, told HuffPost UK. 

Sure, there’s the better-known spontaneous desire ― a sudden, proactive urge that can cause the spark that initiates sex. 

But Roos said that though “many people have gotten the idea of the lust being something that ‘just should pop up’… this is rarely the reality”. 

Instead, she explained, a lot of us experience “reactive desire”. 

What is reactive desire? 

For those with “reactive desire,” lust only, or mostly, kicks in in response to another’s expression of attraction.

That can be “someone taking the initiative to [create] closeness, physical touch and a flirty atmosphere,” she said. 

Desire can kick in once those with “reactive desire” feel sexually wanted she explained.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, Roos added; it’s “common”.

How can I tell if I have “reactive desire”? 

Roos gave three signs: 

1. “Rarely spontaneously feeling that ‘I want to have sex right now’” urge, 
2. Feeling desire ramp up “when your partner initiates kisses and physical touch,” 
3. Worrying or feeling confused about your approach to sex, as while “you rarely [feel like initiating] getting intimate, still when you have sex, it’s pleasurable and feels good”. 

How can “responsive desire” affect your sex life? 

On the plus side, “responsive desire tends to make the sex more focused on the foreplay, the emotional connection and pleasure, not performance,” Roos said. 

This is especially true if you’re both aware of your lust types. 

But if you don’t communicate about your desires, the sexologist added, “A partner can also misread your lack of initiative as you not being interested or attracted anymore, or that you’re rejecting them”. 

Additionally, “you can start doubting yourself and wonder if you actually want sex anymore, which can lead to pressure and stress that becomes a downward spiral”.

Your partner might have a responsive desire type too, in which case, “your sex life is at risk of slowing down”.