Ask A Sexologist: ‘I Don’t Feel Desired By My Otherwise Loving Partner. What Should I Do?’

How can I talk to my partner about not feeling desired? 

“How you talk about this is crucial,” Roos told us.

“You need to make the discussion about emotional and physical intimacy, longing, and about you wanting the relationship to work as well as it possibly can; not about performance or standards that lead to pressure and stress.” 

Try using “I” statements, and “focus on yourself rather than making it about what your partner does ‘wrong,’” she added. 

Remember to pick you moment carefully, too; don’t bring it up in an otherwise tense time.

“The goal is not to accuse your partner or hold them responsible for anything, but to open up for understanding, and in these situations, curiosity always beats going into defence mode. 

 “Ask open questions and be prepared that the answer might be more complex than you think. Be open to asking follow-ups on that to understand what they mean instead of going in with a fixed idea of how they’re feeling.” 

What can we do to help bring the desire back?

“Try to be intimate without goals of how [far it’ll go], when, or how long [it’ll last], try to flirt more everyday, spend more quality time together, [and] get better at giving compliments that aren’t just rooted in practical things,” like how nice the dinner someone made you is, she said.

“Overall, try to invest a little bit more energy and time in each other, which in most cases will lead to a big difference if you give it some time.” 

If that doesn’t work, it might be worth talking to a third party, like a relationship therapist.

“Lastly, remember that decreased desire doesn’t mean less love, just that you need to get better at appreciating and working with what you already have between you,” she ended. 

“The gasoline is there, you just need to spark it better so your fire can shine stronger and warmer!”