A Father Won’t Help With Chores Because His Wife Stays Home, And The Internet Is Furious

In the thread, he starts, “I work full-time and own a small home-based business. My wife does not work and stays home with our 3-year-old and 8-month-old. I also do 75% of the cooking because I love to cook, and my wife sucks at it, which is fine because I love cooking for her.”

Continuing, he says, “I took two months off from my day job when our youngest was born to help out and be with the family. Our house used to be immaculate, but since I have gone back to work, it hasn’t been kept as clean as it used to be. I helped out a lot around the house when I took the time off, but now that I’m back working, I feel my wife needs to start holding up her side of the couch.”

“I bust my ass to provide for our family, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to keep the house as clean as it used to be while taking care of two small children during the day. I know it isn’t easy, but neither is my role in this family, yet I do it every day. When I’m not working, I’m with my kids 90% of the time, spending time with them. I work hard, and I parent hard when I’m not working, so the only time she is on her own with the kids is while I’m at work,” he concludes in the thread.

“When my first two kids were three years old and three months old, my husband came home from work one day, and said, ‘The house is a mess. What did you do all day?!?’ I said, ‘Nothing, absolutely nothing.’ And then, for the next two weeks, I went on strike. I proceeded to show him what ‘doing nothing’ looked like. I kept the kids clean and fed, washed their laundry and mine. Cleaned a dish or bowl or glass as needed, but I did ‘nothing’ else. The dishes piled up to the windowsill. The laundry hamper was overflowing. There were toys everywhere. After about two weeks, he asked me why I wasn’t cooking, doing the dishes, laundry, etc. I looked him dead in the eye and said, ‘Because I do nothing. Absolutely nothing.’ He apologized, helped clean up, and has never said another negative thing about my housekeeping skills.”

“Why aren’t you finding out what she wants? Is this a division of labor that she agreed to, or just one you assumed she would like? What if it is something like postpartum depression? It honestly does not matter what we think. It matters what your wife thinks.”

“Your wife is also working full-time, taking care of two small children. She’s planning, keeping people safe, feeding, teaching, etc. Except she’s not getting designated breaks or the chance to get out of the house every day. Yes, you’re busting your ass for your family, but so is she. When you have children, you have to stop and think if the same standard is reasonable to expect. As long as it’s safe and hygienic enough, that’s as good as it gets. It used to be two of you. Now there are four. And two of these are potential mess machines. Also, you aren’t ‘helping’ when you do chores or household responsibilities. You’re doing your share.”

“Cover for your wife for a day. Tell her to take a spa day and that you’ll watch the kids from when you would normally leave in the morning until you would normally come back from your job. See how much you can accomplish given the same constraints, then judge her actions based on how well you did. Because it’s obvious that you are massively underestimating how difficult it can be to take care of children that young. All they do all day is make messes and not clean them, on top of normal kid stuff like trying to do stupid things that would hurt them that makes them require constant supervision.”