1.
“I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.”
2.
“An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs. You should never see ‘Escalator temporarily out of order,’ just ‘Escalator temporarily stairs.’”
3.
“I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.”
4.
“I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.”
5.
“I don’t think we’re as amazing as our parents are… I’m not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What’s my story going to be like? ‘Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to LA, my iPad died!'”
6.
“A doctor gave his patient six months to live…but he couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”
7.
“Asian women, we live forever. And you know why we’re such bad drivers? Because we’re trying to die. We’re like, ‘Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!’”
8.
“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person — so I can get a better girlfriend.”
9.
“I hate weddings…they’re needy and arrogant. They go, ‘Oh, we’re getting married. Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?’ ‘No. Fuck, no.’ Even the invite is arrogant, isn’t it? It’s like a royal decree. ‘You are cordially invited…’ It’s not a fucking honor. I don’t wanna go to your shitty wedding. Know what I mean? And then you go, ‘Oh, right, yeah. When is it?’ They go, ‘Two years’ time.’ They know you haven’t got an excuse for two years’ time.”
10.
“My sister was with two men in one night…she could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.”
11.
“I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well…look what’s telling me that.”
12.
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
13.
“I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then boo.”
14.
“I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.’”
15.
“I travel a lot. TSA looks at my name, and suddenly I’m the most interesting man in the world. ‘Mr. Mohammed…please step this way.’”
16.
Said to her boyfriend: “Do you know how easy it would be for me to cheat on you? Do you know how many holes I have in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese around the block — it’s over for you, dude.”
17.
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
18.
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus, and you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next 50 years.”
19.
“The first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You just kind of sit there. You’re the least excited person at the party. You didn’t even really realize that there is a party. Both birthday parties’ people have to help you blow out the candles. It’s also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you.”
20.
“I want a woman…with original factory settings.”
21.
On accidentally setting himself on fire: “Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, ‘cause I did the 100-yard dash in 4.3. You know something I found out? When you’re on fire and running down the street, people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk, he’s going, ‘Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little off the sleeve. Okay?’”
22.
“I was diagnosed as an ugly child at the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn’t know until then. I really didn’t, and then he turned that canvas around and my dad was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s uncanny.’ My whole family’s like, ‘Whoa, Nik, it’s you!’ ‘I’m like, ‘Really? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.’ But then I knew.”
23.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
24.
“It’s amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'”
25.
“I’m paranoid about everything in my life. Even at home on my stationary bike, I’ve got a rearview mirror.”
26.
“I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
27.
“I don’t get no respect — when I was born, I was so ugly…the doctor slapped my mother!”
28.
“I am scared of the tuxedo. I’ll explain. When you’re a white man and you put on a tux, you go from average Joe to James Bond, secret agent. You look cool. When you’re a Black man, you go from average Joe to Barack Obama. Presidential. When you’re a Latino male, you go from average Jose to waiter.”
29.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
30.
“If you smell burning toast, you’re either having a stroke…or just overcooking your toast.”
31.
“Throwing acid is wrong…in some people’s eyes.”
32.
“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.”
33.
“If you could go anywhere in the world… I said, ‘Anywhere?’ He said ‘Anywhere.’ I’m like, ‘To the other side of the room. Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.’”
34.
“So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: ‘You know, maybe you’re suffering from premature ejaculation.’ Yeah, does it look like I’m suffering? Those aren’t tears on your belly.”
35.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
36.
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
37.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life…unless I buy something.”
38.
“I’m in therapy, which is weird because I’m Midwestern. I should be burying this pain in my backyard with a pie.”
39.
“I just joined a gym. I don’t work out there, I just joined it. It’s nice to have something to cancel.”
40.
“I get into arguments with taxi drivers all the time. I get out of the cab and slam the door, but that’s not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and leave the door open. Then he has to get out, come around and close the door. While he’s doing that, I’m on the other side, opening the other doors. And we just keep going around and around and around. And I got my own Benny Hill situation going on, and I won.”
41.
On birthdays during his childhood: “When I was 10 there wasn’t trampolines and cartoon characters, I never went to Chuck E. Cheese! My mom said, ‘You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out!'”
42.
“I was sitting in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: Find the smell. Luckily, it was me.”
43.
“Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.”
44.
“If you go to a Black history museum and you got a Black tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he’s still in a good mood… You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. ‘How y’all doing? My name is Charles, it’s my pleasure to take you on this journey. Look at these exhibits right here. Black history is American history. Come look at the exhibits.’ You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30? He been staring at slavery all day. That dude liable to cuss out everybody. ‘Look at this shit! Come look what you done to us! Look what you — get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!’ You go to the gift shop, it’s just people crying.”
45.
“I’m a procrastinator, man. It’s really bad. It’s a problem, you know? I’m worried eventually my bucket list is just gonna be a bunch of errands I haven’t run yet. How sad would that be if my doctor was like, ‘You got a few months left to live,’ and I’m like, ‘Dang, I got to hurry up and frame these photos.'”
46.
“A lot of Americans are suffering from depression younger and younger — our children are seeing the sippy cup as half-empty.”
47.
“Asian parents are the last group of people you can ever convince to see a doctor… Nothing can make my mom see a doctor. My mom could have an arrow going right through her pants and she’s trying to pull it out like Rambo, right? And you’re like, ‘Yo, Mom, let’s go see a doctor.’ And my mom will be like, ‘No. They just want to take people’s money.’”
48.
“I’m not a big supporter of small businesses. I’m more of a big business kind of guy. I like businesses so big there’s another business inside of them, like a Target with a Starbucks in it. But the real reason I don’t support small businesses is because I have irritable bowel syndrome…you have to use their bathroom, but these stone-cold killers will look you in the eyes and say no to you even after you say, ‘What if I buy one of your stupid candles?’”
49.
On relationships with immigrant fathers: “You’d be like, ‘Dad, what’s your favorite color?’ ‘Stanford!’ ‘What? I want to know more about you.’ ‘Why do you want to know about me? Get into Stanford!’”
50.
“If you can see the handwriting on the wall…you’re on the toilet.”